110. MyMaine Birth: Kay Shares About Her Four Maine Birth Stories in the Shadow of Abuse

The journey of motherhood can be challenging under the best circumstances, but for Kay, a mother of four from Maine, her path was fraught with both medical emergencies and domestic violence. Her story spans multiple births across different Maine hospitals and carries powerful messages about maternal advocacy, resilience, and the importance of seeking help if you need to.

Kay's first pregnancy at age 19 ended with an unexpected premature birth at 34 weeks at Maine Medical Center. After experiencing contractions that medical staff initially dismissed, Kay's water broke on her birthday. Her son Landon was delivered quickly but spent 17 days in the NICU learning to swallow properly. This experience highlighted communication failures within the healthcare system – doctors were talking about the weather while Kay was in labor, and she was told to push before medical staff were properly positioned to attend the birth of her premature baby.

Her second pregnancy during the height of COVID-19 brought different challenges. Kay chose St. Mary's Hospital in Lewiston after her disappointing experience at Maine Med. The pandemic restrictions created isolation during pregnancy, including the controversial policy requiring masks during labor. Kay stood her ground, refusing to wear a mask while pushing, demonstrating her growing confidence as a self-advocate. Her daughter Mariana was born healthy after just 15 minutes of pushing, though Kay faced mastitis twice during her breastfeeding journey.

Kay's third pregnancy occurred while in a different difficult relationship marked by verbal and financial abuse. She chose Stevens Memorial Hospital in Norway for her care, appreciating the smaller hospital environment where staff knew her personally. Though her pregnancy and birth with daughter Renly went well medically, she faced postpartum challenges at home. Despite this, Kay successfully breastfed Renly for 16 months by setting small, achievable goals rather than becoming overwhelmed by long-term breastfeeding expectations.

Her fourth pregnancy with son Miles presented the most serious medical complications. Diagnosed with absent flow through the umbilical cord and intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), Kay was hospitalized for 34 days at Maine Medical Center. Her baby had dropped from the 80th to the 1st percentile in growth over just four weeks. During this time, she was separated from her other children while struggling with an increasingly abusive relationship at home. Despite these circumstances, the prenatal unit staff provided compassionate care, even organizing Halloween trick-or-treating when Kay couldn't bring her children out for her favorite holiday.

Miles was delivered by emergency C-section at 32 weeks, weighing just 2 pounds, 7 ounces. He spent 54 days in the NICU, creating logistical challenges as Kay balanced hospital visits with caring for her other children. After returning home, Kay ultimately found the strength to leave her abusive relationship, obtaining a restraining order and starting fresh as a single mother of four.

Kay's story concludes with hope – she met her now-husband shortly after leaving her abuser, and he embraced her and her children completely. Her experiences have made her passionate about raising awareness of domestic violence resources in Maine. As Kay emphasizes, "There are resources... Through These Doors is fantastic... Caring Unlimited in Sanford is absolutely wonderful." Her message to women in similar situations is clear: trust your instincts, and know that help is available when you're ready to leave.

Read the transcript from this week’s podcast episode below.

Kay: 0:00

I really hope, like anyone that does listen to this, like if they are in a similar situation, that they can get out in their R resources. And you know, through these doors is fantastic. What's the one in Sanford? Caring, unlimited. They are absolutely wonderful. You know you call them if you're in a DV situation. They'll get you. Their DV shelters are beautiful. You get your own room. They help you within two weeks on getting a housing voucher. They set you right up. You know they get you out of that situation. I've been to a couple DV shelters. They help you with diapers. I didn't have a license. The DV shelter they went out and bought me a double stroller so I could, you know, go get groceries. And there are resources that I really think they need to be advertised more because it's hard. Maine doesn't have many resources, but the ones we do have are absolutely incredible have many resources, but the ones we do have are absolutely incredible.

Angela: 1:09

I'm Angela, and I'm a certified birth photographer, experienced doula, childbirth educator and your host here on the my Maine Birth podcast. This is a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine, From our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births. Every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated. Whether you're a soon-to-be mom, a seasoned mother or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you. Welcome back. You're listening to episode 110. Today's birth story guest is Kay, and she's here to share all about her four main birth stories. Hi, Kay, Welcome to my Main Birth. Hello. So, to get started, would you share a little bit about you and your family? Could?

Kay: 2:04

you share a little bit about you and your family. Yeah, so I was a single mom to all four of my children. Their dads have never really been in the picture, so it was just us. I met my husband when my son was four months old. We got married real quick when I saw how well he did with the kids. He did with the kids and you know all the time he takes off of work to bring me down to Boston for my youngest, or because he knows I don't like to drive in Boston, or I mean he bought us a house. He's just been incredible. I knew I had to put a ring on his finger, knew I had to put a ring on his finger. I had to, I had to have him. And yeah, it's been incredible.

Kay: 2:57

I have two preemies, both of my boys, surprisingly, both of my girls for full term and both of my boys for preemies. Landon was my first preemie. He is in kindergarten and he's doing pretty good. My daughter Mariana, she's in preschool and, oh my gosh, she loves it. She's a little social butterfly. Then I stay home with Renly and Miles.

Angela: 3:18

So now will you share a little bit about how you found out you were pregnant for the first time and what your thoughts were in choosing your care?

Kay: 3:27

The first time I it was funny I was a heavy smoker, I was young and I lit up a cigarette and I immediately puked everywhere and I'm like wow, this, this isn't right. And I took probably 50 pregnancy tests over the week and it's negative, negative, negative. And I kept telling his dad, my boyfriend at the time I'm like I think I'm pregnant and he's like no, you're not. All those tests are coming out negative. I tested the following week, still feeling icky, still negative. I was like what the heck? Like I know my body, like something, is off. And so I went to the ER and there I was five weeks pregnant. It was very, very scary. I mean I was 19. Very, very scary. I found out I was pregnant at Maine Med, decided to have him at Maine Med and they were all right with him.

Angela: 4:37

So how was your pregnancy looking?

Kay: 4:41

It was rough. I mean, I have a very tough relationship with my parents. I was young and naive and I found out that his dad was doing drugs and I left him the day I found out. I don't tolerate it and I haven't really talked to him much since, so it was definitely scary. I mean, I went through most of my pregnancy alone. My morning sickness was really, really bad until the second trimester. The second trimester was beautiful. I loved it, and then the third trimester hit felt like the first trimester all over again, like you're so fat but you're also like puking, so then you're peeing yourself. It was. It was crazy. Definitely was probably my easiest pregnancy out of all four I'll never forget is 2000 2018.

Kay: 5:41

It was a Halloween day. I went in for a normal baby appointment and they told me that I was contracting and I was 34 weeks at this point. They're like you're contracting. They're like you don't feel that I'm like, no, they're like people are doubled down on the floor, like you're in full, like you're something's going on. They kept me from monitoring for about I don't know two hours and they sent me home that night. I had company over at Halloween's, my favorite holiday, so I was so excited I was in.

Kay: 6:26

At this point I am in pain, to the point I kicked everyone out of my house. I was like get out. I went to bed. I woke up at six and I stood up and I peed myself. What I thought? Um, I, when I tooled around the house till like noon, um, and I was still leaking and I was like, okay, like this isn't normal. Like I said, I was a young mom. I didn't do any research and I brought, I went to the hospital and I was about to have a baby and the best part is, it was also my birthday, so labor was quick. I had been obviously in labor since Halloween. I don't know why they didn't admit me or do anything to stop it, which now I think about it, is mind-boggling.

Angela: 7:25

So how many days after Halloween was this happening? Was it the next day?

Kay: 7:29

very next day, the very next day, um. So I definitely, now that I'm older and I know more, they definitely drop the ball with that. Um. So I had Landon. I pushed him out in eight minutes. Uh, he was just a tiny old boy. He was just five pounds, one ounce. He cried. I got to hold him for three seconds, if even and I will never forget the first time they ever lay that first baby on you Like a whole sensation of love. Oh my gosh, if I could have that feeling in a jar. Oh, it was amazing.

Kay: 8:13

He then went to the NICU. He did stop breathing and then they had to give him some caffeine. They didn't tell me till the next day either, which I still. That still doesn't mix up well with me. The NICU, though the NICU was absolutely amazing. We had a 17 day stay. He had to. He had a hard time working on a swallowing. Once he got that down, we were, we were home. So, other than, like my, my birth main med there, um, all my appointments were great, I do have to say, like I said, my, my birth wasn't all that great.

Angela: 8:57

Um, what were things that made it not all that great?

Kay: 9:00

Um, so I was waiting for. They told me to wait until the pain was unbearable for an epidural because I wanted one and I did. And then they checked me in terms of I was at 10 and they're like, oh, it's too late. And then I immediately started feeling pressure. Well, the doctors aren't in yet. Um, I was like, well, something's about to happen. I about to have this baby. And the doctors came in and, I kid you not, they were talking about the weather. They were talking about the weather.

Kay: 9:34

As I'm like bawling my eyes out and I'm like this baby's coming, they're like, no, he's not. I'm like he is, I go, I need to start pushing. They're like don't push yet, we're not ready. I was like I need to start pushing right now. They're like, no, no, wait, I go. And so I screamed. I'm like start pushing right now, do your jobs and look between my legs. And they're like you can start pushing, as they're still over by the door. And they're like you can start pushing, as they're still over by the door. Still over by the door. That is insane to tell a mother to start pushing a pre mature baby out before you were even suited up. They should have been suited up before. Right when you know they found out I was at 10, they should have been suited up and in my room and they weren't. They were worried because where I had been leaking so much amniotic fluid, I was going to have a dry birth. I didn't. He came out perfect, so that went really well. Yeah, I think that's about it for Landon's.

Angela: 10:41

How was your postpartum time landings? How?

Kay: 10:44

was your postpartum time. Postpartum was actually not that bad for, like with him, I wore diapers for about a month. It was funny. I'll never forget getting my first postpartum period. I had just posted on Made New Moms and I was like, when am I supposed to get my period again? They're like, oh, it depends like per person if you're nursing which I was pumping at the time and I was like, oh, okay, and I'll never forget, I went ice fishing. I had like nine layers of pants on and I got my period that same day. I made that post out ice fishing, as it would happen. You know I look back and I laugh at that now. Wasn't too funny then.

Kay: 11:33

But feeling was great, surprisingly, for how fast I pushed him out. I didn't tear or anything, or at least they told me it did really really really burn to pee. I do have to say peeing really hurt. So when I had my second and I had to pee the first time, I'm like bawling my eyes out expecting all this pain and I was like, oh, I'm not burning, um. So I think I did tear a little bit and they just didn't tell me. But other than that I my healing was great.

Kay: 12:05

A month after I had him um my appendix when so I had to also get. I had landed on November 1st and on December 1st I had to get my appendix out as well, so that did make it a little more rough. I was still nursing, because I remember freaking out after I woke up from the anesthesia. I'm like I need a pump. They got me one. I wish we could have nursed longer. We nursed for four months, but he couldn't break down the proteins in my milk so he had to go on some Elecare and that did him wonders. He started packing on the weight after that. So I think that's it with Landon.

Angela: 12:50

So when did you find out you were pregnant now for the second time and what was kind of your thoughts in choosing your care now, having already gone through it once?

Kay: 12:59

So when I found out 13 days after I turned 21 I found out on my mom's birthday, which was amazing it was very, very exciting. I was really ecstatic. Landon was very unexpected. Mariana she was expected but oh my gosh she I was. I was very, very, very excited, like I was nervous when I found out I was pregnant with Landon. When I found out I was pregnant with Mariana, I was so happy. I knew from the get go I was having a girl. Like I peed on that. I'm like it's a girl, it's a girl. I picked out her name the second. I peed on that. I'm like it's a girl, it's a girl. I picked out her name. The second I peed on that stick and I was like that's her name.

Kay: 13:51

I definitely decided to steer away from bigger hospitals, especially after you know the lack of compassion, the lack of everything I feel like over that my experience at Maine Med. So I decided to go to St Mary's in Lewiston and they were absolutely amazing. I would have 100 babies there. They closed, unfortunately, but they were top tier. I loved all the staff. It was absolutely amazing. So I was super excited when I found out I was having her.

Kay: 14:34

I definitely had morning sickness, my whole entire pregnancy. I was miserable and she's a June baby, so I was pregnant what felt like all summer. It was miserable and on top of that she was also a COVID baby, which I don't think helped much. You know I couldn't have a support person in, you know, the room with me. You know the mask wearing. You know mask wearing is hard when you're pregnant. Like you know. Changing my sheets, I'm out of breath. You know, walking into the OB office, I'm out of breath and then I have, you know, a mask on me. It was really tough. It was tough not being able to see family and friends, so that that was really really challenging and it really took a toll on my mental health, especially being pregnant. I mean, most people feel most alone when they're pregnant and then, on top of it, actually being alone because you have to quarantine, so that that was rough.

Kay: 15:37

My water broke with her on top of my boyfriend. At the time, For some reason, I had an eerie feeling that our bedroom was haunted, so I made both of us sleep on the living room Not even both of us. I wanted to sleep on the living room and he would not let me sleep out there alone. So he slept on the floor right by the couch and this is really gross. But I had to pee and I stood up and like stepped over him and my water broke on top of him. I kid you not, I was 38 weeks on the no, sorry, I was 37 weeks on the dot. Um, because that was our biggest fear, I wanted to have her at St Mary's. Obviously you can't have preterm at St Mary's, obviously you can't have preterm at St Mary's. So I was praying to the good Lord she was going to stay in and she stayed in till 37 weeks and we were all amazed. They're like she just barely made it and it was funny.

Kay: 16:39

So after my my water broke, after my my water broke, I already had all my bags packed, because we never got to the bottom of why Landon came early. We still have absolutely not one clue, no idea. So my bags had been packed for a couple weeks. You know they're sitting by the door, everything's ready to rock and roll and we had a trailer. So I mean, we had long hallways and this man's just running from one end of the house to the other just freaking out. I'm just sitting there watching him. I'm like are you done yet. Um, so that was hilarious.

Kay: 17:23

We dropped my son off to my mom. We got to the hospital. We only had one issue they wanted me to wear a mask while pushing. I started to pack my stuff because I was having that baby at home. I was going to have her in my bathtub. I was not wearing a mask while I was pushing. That you know. They already COVID swapped both of us. You know there was no reason why both of us weren't sick. All of our testing came back negative. Why I should have to wear a mask? I didn't care if he had to wear a mask. I was not wearing a mask.

Angela: 18:00

You were like, so I'm going to, I'm going to leave. Did you threaten?

Kay: 18:12

Yeah, I started packing my stuff. I didn't care I was not wearing a mask, it was not happening. You know that that is absolutely insane to have a woman push out, you know, and he were typically a seven to eight pound baby wearing a mask. Yeah, I was having that baby at home and the head of the department came in. We had a little chat and I was told that I still had to have it on my face but I could have it down below my chin. It was better than having to wear it. It was ridiculous.

Kay: 18:40

You know, I felt bad for anyone that didn't understand that they are paying the hospital. You know the hospital works for you, and so I feel bad for anyone that had to give birth with a mask. You know, I was going home. There was absolutely not one chance I was wearing one, so luckily I did get to put it down. I did have an epidural with her Um. Hers was probably my best epidural I've ever had. Um. It made all the pain go away, except for when it was time to push. I still felt that pressure, which was amazing because, you know it, it gave me that drive to get her out. I had her within 15 minutes. It was kind of funny because I was still in like a pain, you know, and I called my mom and I was like I was on FaceTime with her. I'm like I'm never doing this again and she's like you better not give birth to her while on the phone with me. And then the nurse was in there laughing and she's like, oh, I'm going to check you, and I was at 10. And so, you know, things are happening so fast I forget my mom's on the phone. She ended up staying on the phone and I had called her four minutes prior to pushing and we were only on the phone for like 19 minutes. Um, so it was, it was nice where we've had such a rocky relationship. Um, that she was there, you know, on the phone, um, especially because she didn't know. But, um, I had named Mariana after her. Um, my mom's middle name is Jean and Mari's middle name is Jean, which I thought was a very sweet touch to really like that. That. That was great.

Kay: 20:40

Um, I stayed for one day, which I thought was a little weird, but it was COVID time, so I wasn't complaining. I got to go home. Uh, see, landon, landon got me his sister. I didn't lead as long as I did with Landon. I probably was led for wasn't even that long, maybe two weeks. Um, it was funny.

Kay: 21:00

I I sent my ex to the store. I was like, oh my gosh, I forgot to get like pads. I forgot pads. I was like I need something. And he's like, oh, I'll just go, I'll just go. And he went to Family Dollar and he comes back in with six bags. He didn't know what to buy, so he bought one of everything. One of everything. It was so funny but so cute at the same time. 10 out of 10. The Depends love them. They were absolutely amazing.

Kay: 21:40

We nursed for about I think we stopped at around four months. I got mastitis twice in a month. Oh yeah, and I'm an overproducer and I do want to skip back to Landon, something that I just forgot. So the lactation consultant came in after I had him, you know, and they're telling me that. They told me I had to pump every 30 minutes, every 30 minutes for 15 minutes. So I go home with this schedule. I'm attached to a pump.

Kay: 22:17

Landon was four days old, six weeks early, which, mind you, I should still be trying to, you know, get my milk out. It should still be trying to. I was pumping, I kid you, not 30 ounces and forties, because I I couldn't do anything. I don't understand why they told me I had to pump every 30 minutes for 15 minutes. You know that that. That that's a power pump, that's not just a normal pump.

Kay: 22:45

And, like I said, I was young, I did no research, I was going. You know, she's a lactation consultant, she knows all. So that was crazy. I was the get new pump parts and I had pumped in the truck. I went into Walmart and I literally had to turn back out because I looked down and I had just emptied my boobs and I looked down and I'm soaked, you know, and it was just too painful to go anywhere. So that was something else. That was a pretty bad experience with Maine med. Um, I definitely feel like um, um, they I don't want to say better like educated, but yeah, I mean I should have educated myself as well. So that's kind of on me too. But if you have a lactation consultant badge, I feel like you should know how to pump and you should explain the difference between a power pump and a regular pump and all this stuff. Anyways, back to Mariana.

Angela: 23:58

Yeah, well, that's really. The difference, though, is the education, like she's teaching what she learned in her education, and the thing is, there's other ways to do it. You know, in other ways, other people to take different education. So like lactation consultant less, like they're sort of in some standardized, you know program that they came out of with accreditation or something hard to say OK, well, what exactly? Where did you learn? How are you you know? Yeah, yeah.

Kay: 24:25

Especially now, because my third daughter, I, was bound and determined a nurse and I did for well over a year, um, and I did my fair share of research. I joined, you know, every group under the sun. Any breastfeeding group I'm in. Any pumping group I'm in. I did my own research. I probably had 50 books about nursing. You know, I, I really wanted to make it work.

Kay: 24:51

Um, I, I am not a huge fan of formula, um, cause I, I did my research into that and you know there was a formula shortage and you know a bunch of the world went crazy for a little bit, you know, and but anyway, so I did get mastitis twice and I mean I had to throw in because I, I feel like where my body, with Landon, was producing so much, I feel like it was already kind of programmed to produce a lot, because I, she was not as bad, but I was still pumping way more than what she needed, or even way more than what she needed, or even for two months I exclusively just nursed her and she was, she was growing perfect, but I was just producing way too much and she couldn't drink at all. Um, so, um, and juggling too, I was just having a really hard time with my postpartum and then I got the mastitis twice. I had to throw it in. It was hard, the mastitis. Oh my gosh, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy at all. That was bad. The second time I went in there like you're back, and it was awful because the second time I got it I was camping and I was so excited to go camping and then, you know, I had the fevers and the chills and I mean I was full blown mastitis.

Kay: 26:24

My, you know, my boobs were high, it was. I was miserable. I got on those. I can't remember what they put me on, like amoxicillin or something. It cleared right up. Um, I did dry out my breast milk though, um, and then I started her on like the blue can of Similac or I can't remember what it's called, and she, she did great. Uh, she's big, healthy, crazy, rowdy. Now sassy, sassy, really sassy.

Angela: 27:00

She's fantastic, she's probably my funniest kid I got Aw. So now tell me about when you found out you were pregnant for the third time.

Kay: 27:11

My third we tried for and we got her. It was super, super exciting. We started. I found out really early. I always find out early. I know my body. I know my body very, very, very, very, very well. So I know roughly about three weeks and obviously I don't get a positive test back to like five, six weeks, but I always know around three. Something was off. I knew I. I knew I was pregnant At this point I think Mari was about a year and a half, landon was about two, almost three.

Kay: 27:51

I was so excited I started my care. I at this point lived in Naples and I was willing to drive out to Lewiston. I was going to drive out of Lewiston to go to St Mary's again. Unfortunately I only got a couple appointments in before they closed. So then a tough decision of where I'm going to pick my next care. I decided on Stevens Memorial in Norway, which I had had a miscarriage in between Landon and Mariana.

Kay: 28:23

I had gone to Maine Med. I was bleeding, bleeding, really, really bad. This was probably like one of the most traumatic things that have ever happened to me. It was just because of the hospital. It wasn't even the miscarriage, you know the miscarriage I could live with. It was the hospital and of course, I lived in Mechanic Falls at the time. I was visiting my mom and I went to the bathroom and I wiped and you know there was quite a bit of blood. So she lived in Westbrook. I was like I'll just run a main med ER, I'm sure I'll be in and out.

Kay: 29:00

You know, they made me wait in the waiting room for four and a half hours bleeding. I'm wearing light gray pants, yoga pants. I have blood down in my ankles and I'm crying. I'm begging for a blanket. Just you know, cover me like. This is embarrassing. Everyone's staring at me. They're like why isn't she back there? Like she's covered in blood. You know, and you know I, at this point I'm obviously I'm graduated. I see someone I went to high school with you know, and my mom and her mom are friends and I'm graduated. I see someone I went to high school with, you know, and my mom and her mom are friends and I'm like this is, you know, this is humiliating.

Kay: 29:43

They did not give me a blanket. They refused to give me pads. They said that they didn't have any. I asked for one of those gowns, just something to cover me Like I couldn't just one home. I lived an hour away to you know, grab new pants or whatever. That was rough.

Kay: 30:04

They finally got me back and they told me for an ultrasound. You know the doctor comes in. They're like your baby's fine. You know the doctor comes in. They're like your baby's fine. I'm like, sir with all due respect, I can take my pants off and wring them out. I'm like there's clots as big as my hand. My baby's not fine. I go what do you mean? They're like your baby's fine. There's a heartbeat and everything. And I was like this is insane.

Kay: 30:38

So I went home. They told me my bleeding got worse, to go back in. So I got home, I showered to try and get, you know, some dignity back. I showered and I was like I gotta go somewhere. I gotta go get a second opinion.

Kay: 30:49

So I went down to Stevens Memorial it's my first time ever there. They, I. I told them there's a whole waiting room of people and I told them what was going on. I kid you not, I did not even sit down in that waiting room. They immediately brought me back and I had to use the bathroom and I didn't flush. I showed them all the clots that were in there and they're like yeah, they had to take clots out my uterus because they were stuck in my uterus. I was definitely having a miscarriage, so that that also left a very, very salty taste in my mouth with main med. So anyways, when I decided to go to Stevens I already had that sense of security. You know they took me right in. They were super. You know the nurse almost cried with me, you know, telling her about my experience at Maine Med and they were nothing but absolutely amazing. So I knew that's absolutely where I wanted my care.

Angela: 31:55

When Lewiston closed, was it like how long did you have? Was it like an easy transition?

Kay: 32:00

Yeah, it was. They did get me right in, surprisingly. I think in like typically, how many appointments you have? I probably only missed like one appointment, which wasn't bad. Yeah, I think it was about one. It probably took them only like a month to get me in. It wasn't, and I was early. I was early, early so I mean I wasn't too concerned. I had already heard her heartbeat in Lewiston so like I knew we were good so I didn't mind waiting. Um, like I said, they got me right in. It was only about a month. All my hair was amazing.

Kay: 32:39

I do love going to those smaller hospitals because you walk in, you know everyone. You know all the nurses, you know all the people that take your weight, you know all the doctors, so you know when they're like, oh, you're seeing doctor. You know someone, so you're like doctor, you know someone, so you're like, oh, yeah, great. It's really relieving to see the same familiar faces, especially when you're pregnant and you're so vulnerable like you know I, my face gets poofy. You know, even during birth they're all up in your stuff. Like you know, I don't want to strain, you're all up in there. So I really, really liked how tight-knit they are. Do they still do births there? Unfortunately not. They closed as well, which was sad, because when I found out I was pregnant with Miles, I was going to go there, but they had already closed. It's so sad. They're closing everywhere and you know, a whole nother thing, yeah, a whole nother thing. So Landon and Mariana have the same dad.

Kay: 33:38

And then I had Renly with someone else. Um, our relationship was very rocky. Um, after I found out I was pregnant, I found out he was cheating on me, uh, continuously, and again and again and again. And you know, not treat me right, but I stay a home mom. I can't really do nothing about it. So that the only thing I really had to look forward was, you know, having Ren and my other children. So I was. I was still really excited for her coming, but my pregnancy was very, very hard emotionally. Um, I really, really struggled.

Kay: 34:14

Um, we also lived in his, like mom's, basement. It was like a finished basement. We had a bathroom, we had a kitchen, we had a room, we had a living room, but there was no windows, you know. So I don't know if you like no windows, it takes a toll, you know. So, on top of you know being verbally abused, you know and all that. I was just down and depressed. I had no windows.

Kay: 34:44

Hers was probably the hardest I've ever had mentally. She was really, really hard. When I had her, her dad was there. I was very, very sick. I thought I had COVID, which was funny after you know Mariana's experience.

Kay: 35:03

I was sick, a green mucus coming out of everywhere my mouth, my nose. I swear if it could have came out of my ears it would have been. I was so sick. And then I got a bloody show. Got a bloody show, called my doctor and they're like, yeah, come right in. And they admitted me.

Kay: 35:28

I did get an epidural with her as well. Hers worked a little too well. I couldn't feel anything. I had no pressure. So they're like push. I'm like like you can't feel anything. Um. So I do have to say that was probably the hardest baby I had to push out, even though I didn't feel really anything, like I had the ring of fire, but that's about it.

Kay: 35:54

It was hard not having that drive to get her out. Uh, I mean, it still only took me 45 minutes, especially being sick. I couldn't breathe out my nose. All the nurses were great, except for one. I had a fire one, we'll, we'll, we'll, get into that in a minute. So I had her. Um, her cord was wrapped around her neck so I had to stop.

Kay: 36:17

When her head came out, then they had to unwrap it and then I had to get her out pretty quick. She was very, very, very purple when she was born. It took a lot of stimulating her, a lot of sectioning to get her to let out that first cry. But when she did, oh my gosh, I was so scared. I mean it felt like eternity before, you know, she let out that cry. And then I remember the nurse, like suctioning her, and she hands me the suctioner, as she's like pointing down her throat and she's like here you go. I looked at her. I'm like I'm not doing that. I've never done that before. I'm not doing that. I've never done that before. I'm not. I don't know how far to put the suctioner down her throat to get that stuff up. She goes, then she's gonna stop breathing. If you don't, I'm like I'm not trained for this and I just gave birth. What the heck? Um. So another nurse came over, got her her all you know good and everything.

Kay: 37:16

Wren cried, I kid you not, the whole two days we were in there. She did not stop. I had to ask the nurse. I was like why isn't she stopping? I was bawling my eyes out. I'm like I cannot bring this into, you know, into my situation. I mean, I obviously was going to, but you know, it was very overwhelming. She, she would not stop. Um, I had asked the nurses why, and they said that they think that they had given me too much saline and she was having withdrawals from the saline, which I've never heard of that. I never looked too deep into it. Um, but that's what they thought.

Kay: 38:01

Um, so that that first night she had been crying for like 12 hours straight. Um, I had just given birth. I was exhausted, her dad was exhausted. We just need a break. So I had called the nurse and of course, the one that wanted me to section out my own daughter's throat came in.

Kay: 38:25

I was like could you just please take her to the nursery? She goes, we don't have one. I'm like you guys don't have a nursery. I was like can you guys take her out to the nurse's station just for like an hour? It's like I need an hour of sleep. I was like you guys don't have a nursery. I was like can you guys take her out to the nurse's station just for like an hour? It's like I need an hour of sleep. I was like I she goes. No, what are you going to do once you get home? Like it was like my first rodeo and I was like, oh my gosh, because you know, I had previous like really good experience with them. So I was absolutely floored. This nurse was talking to me like this. I immediately fired her. I told her get out, don't come back, and she didn't. Another nurse came in. They magically found the nursery and brought her to the nursery.

Kay: 39:15

So we did get a little bit of sleep, which was great. We got home. She was perfect. She was sleeping through the night and everything. She cried to eat and have her diaper changed and that was it. So I don't know what that two days of screaming was. That was crazy, because I was looking forward to like, giving birth. I'm like, oh, it's a little escape from my other one little vacation, and it was far from a vacation. Yeah, but we got home and she was absolutely amazing. We nursed exclusively. I think I only pumped during our nursing journey maybe three times. My milk supply was perfect. It was exactly what she needed. We nursed for I think it was 16 months.

Kay: 40:05

My biggest thing is, you know, I always felt like a failure with the other two because I had such a large goal and you know, my goal was to a year when, in all honesty, nursing every day is, you know that that is amazing. You know I needed so. I knew, especially with my headspace, my whole you know, my relationship and everything I. I knew I couldn't feel like a failure again because it just sent me into a spiral. So I made reasonable goals. You know, for the first month I was like I'm going to nurse all day today and then I'd celebrate at night. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I did it. And then, you know, after, you know the days were getting easier and I wasn't thinking about it as much I'm like, okay, I'm gonna nurse till the end of the week and then I'd celebrate. And then you know it. Then I was like, oh, it was just amazing. I really feel like that helped my head space a lot, making very, very small goals other than you know, having a baby and saying I'm going to nurse till they're a year is very, it's a very unreasonable goal because you don't know what obstacles you're going to hit and so I really think that helped our nursing journey.

Kay: 41:33

And I have to say my postpartum was kind of bad. It wasn't as bad as the rest, but I think it was because I could nurse her. Honestly, you know that bond, seeing those little lips, with the eyes and with the nose, oh I, I just loved it so much it. I, I just loved it so much it. It became my personality for a little bit there. You know, it was just absolutely amazing. I do have to say hers, hers was probably my perfect postpartum, other than, like my relationship, just like between her and I, it had to have been the best healing, the most, you know, rewarding, and I have to say it's because I set those small goals and it really really helps me. I, my feeling was, really went really well. I honestly think I only bled with her for like a week. Honestly, I didn't get my period back in till I think we were pretty much done nursing.

Kay: 42:42

She self-weaned, that was sad and actually we could probably just roll in a mile. She self-weaned and I was like what the heck? And like I pull out my boob and go put her on it. She's like I'm like you, too good for my boob and go put her on it. She's like I'm like you too good for my boob. Now I was like a little offended. I was like, okay, so I posted it. I. I asked in like one of my nursing groups.

Kay: 43:09

I'm like my daughter just self-weaned one day. I was like why Someone's like take a pregnancy test? I was like don't even right now. So I run to the store. I kid you not, I don't think my car could have gone any faster. I go to the store. It didn't even load all the way and I saw that first line.

Kay: 43:31

I was like shit, because I was having another baby with him. And I was like, because I was having another baby with him and I was like, oh my goodness, I was like we'll make, we'll make the most of it, you know. So that is why rents self-weaned was because I was pregnant and apparently it changes the taste of your milk and she was just not having it. I'm I'm trying to think I I either had one period or no period in between them, because I mean I wasn't being careful, that careful, but I hadn't got my period back. I know that, you know that's an old wives tale, I know that, but I wasn't really expecting it to happen before I got my first period, especially where I I don't know- you didn't have a period in between those pregnancies at all, then right.

Kay: 44:26

No, I, I really don't think I did. Honestly I don't think I did, and so it was kind of a shock. But you know, I was very sad when I found out I was pregnant again, because I was looking for my way out. I had just gotten my own apartment and I didn't let him sign the lease, so it was my first foot out the door. So it was my first foot out the door and then to find out I was pregnant again.

Kay: 44:58

It was hard. I'm not going to lie. I had just started a new job. You know things were looking up and I was like damn, just when I was going to get away. So that was very, very hard.

Kay: 45:21

I definitely spent a lot of nights thinking what was in my best interest, what would be in, you know, his best interest. It was a very, very hard decision and I mean I kind of made kind of a selfish decision, not really. So I had an abortion appointment set up but I did the early testing for the gender and I told myself it was. I did not want another girl. Girls are so difficult. But I do want. I did want my kids close in age. So I told myself you know, if the gender comes back as a girl, I'll to the abortion appointment. If it's a boy, I'll keep him.

Kay: 45:58

I that may make me sound awful, but girls are hard, especially. I mean, I have two that are a year and a half apart. They fist fight, they full out, fist fight. They fight over everything. Right now they're in the same size clothes. They, they can't get over the fact that they have to share them. Like you know it, it's hard and you know it. I was in a really, really tough place and I was like you know what I, I really, really want another boy and if it means they're going to be, you know, two years apart because I was going to be due January 2024, I decide to keep them. Luckily, I was able to leave him after I had Miles, but it took me till after I had Miles. Did you both move into the apartment together or?

Angela: 46:50

were you.

Kay: 46:51

He was kind of staying at my place, half and half half between his mom's in my place. He didn't have a license, so I was uh, he has four oulis, um, so I was the main transporter, but he, he definitely was financially abusive, like he would be like, well, I'm going to help you with diapers if you don't come and get me or if you don't give me a ride here, or so it really put me in a really tough spot. You know he had me wrapped around his finger and he knew it. But when I was pregnant with Miles he knew it was kind of loosening, especially after, you know, I got a job and I got the apartment, like he knew I was on my way out. So he I had never seen him actually excited for a positive pregnancy test, um, and he was ecstatic. And now, like I know why, now Miles's pregnancy, it was very hard.

Kay: 47:52

I lost 11 pounds because I was so violently sick. I was a receptionist and there was days I was at work, I unfortunately we only had one bathroom and I was just there and I would like be puking and puking and then I'd clean up, go get fresh air, let other people use the bathroom. Then I'd be right back in there puking and then I'd clean up, go get fresh air, let other people use the bathroom, then I'd be right back in there puking. It was. It was a very, very rough first trimester. Um, I did start going I was going to Norway this time Um, my OB care, it was all right. Every time I went in for an appointment I went in, you know, saying how you know sick I was, and they were. They weren't really helping me. They were giving me those tablets that dissolve in your mouth. They don't help. They did not help me whatsoever. You know, nothing helped. I mean, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink. Like I said, I lost 11 pounds. I'm 120 pounds. I don't have 11 pounds to lose. I was really, really sick and then I hit my second trimester and it's feeling like a million bucks. Yeah, I mean this, I mean that, you know.

Kay: 49:09

Finally, and one thing that did not sit right with me was my OB. So after I lost that 11 pounds, I went back in and I'd gained four pounds and I'd been like two weeks or something. You know, no biggie. It's my fourth kid too. I don't care what I'm going to look like, I really don't care. I carried four beautiful children. I don't care if I'm 200 pounds after this.

Kay: 49:37

And he told me that if I did not watch my weight, that I was going to regret it in the long run. I was like I'm still not even at my pre-pregnancy weight. I was like what the heck? So I'll eat a little healthier, I guess. So then the next appointment I'm still haven't gained that whole 11 pounds.

Kay: 50:03

Back he says something about my weight again, about me gaining too fast, and I'm like, oh my gosh, so I quiet. I'm like, okay, okay, I go in for another appointment. He says something about my weight again and I was like, dude, if I have a problem with my weight, you will be the first person to know. I was like I don't want to hear it again. I go, you bring it up again. I'm not coming back at all. I am not coming back. And after I had all those things about my weight, I would be like driving home. I'm like am I fat? Like am I going to be fat after this? I'm like I don't give a shit if I'm fat after this. I was like what is it to him if I'm fat after this? I'm like I don't give a shit if I'm fat after this. I was like, what is it to him if I'm fat after this? You know what I mean. Um, especially I'm pregnant.

Kay: 51:03

I don't really care yeah, those comments are so unnecessary and yeah, I was, you know, and I, I know I'm a very small girl, I'm a very small stature, but I've never had like body dysphobia or anything like that. But like what if he's saying that to someone that does, and then on top of that they're pregnant too? So they're already insecure because they're pregnant, and then on top of that they're mentally oh my gosh, I could not imagine. I mean, I honestly hope I'm the only one he ever said it to, because I mean, I definitely took it with a grain of salt, you know, because I found more humor in it than anything, because I was like I don't care, dude.

Angela: 51:52

You're not even at your pre-pregnancy weight yet. I know.

Kay: 51:56

Insane stuff. But I, you know, I took it with a grain of salt. You know, I know how my body is after I have kids. But, like I said, I didn't care if I was 200 pounds after I had this baby, you know. So that didn't sit right with me. So I got home and I had my ex at the time, cody. He came over and I'm telling him we're laughing about it, you know and I was like I want a home birth. I go, I want a home birth. The only problem is insurance doesn't really cover home births. So at least my insurance didn't, and I had two insurance companies. So we were looking at midwives and everything. So we're shopping around. That is the one thing that he ever like was going to allow me to do, which I was shocked, absolutely shocked. He would not spend the money on like maternity photos. You know, all I ever wanted was maternity photos or like newborn photos. I've always wanted professional photos. I still never got them. But when he told me we could do the home birth, I was so excited. I was like, oh my gosh, he's finally hearing me like. So I'm shopping around and I'm shopping around.

Kay: 53:19

At this point I'm still seeing my OB on, you know, on the back burner. I'm still looking at all my options. I still have time. I I think I was at like 20 weeks ish and I had. I had my 20 week ultrasound and they couldn't see everything. They we already knew we were having a boy, but the way he was positioned we can see his penis and we couldn't see it was like part of his heart or something I can't remember. No, it wasn't his heart, it was like a toe or something, cause I remember it was something silly and I'm like I'm not driving all the way back to Portland for that, because they're like let's go for more testing because we can't see a toe.

Kay: 54:04

Yeah, it was something like that. It was something silly, because I remember being like I'm not going back in for that. And then a couple weeks go by, like four weeks go by that, and then a couple weeks go by, like four weeks go by, I'm still shopping for, you know, home birth people and trying to figure out like what we're doing. So I called my OB and I really want a 3d ultrasound. So I was like maybe if I schedule one, that they might be nice and do it. So I was like you know, they never got all the pictures we needed. I was like can you schedule that again?

Kay: 54:47

The day that they rescheduled it for we realized that one of my friends were missing. He had been missing for four days. We were the last people to talk to him. He was. He was going out riding and he was supposed to work on my car the next day. But you know, we got three kids, he's got kids, we got houses. But you know, life is crazy and we we didn't think about it when he didn't show up to the garage. And then Monday comes around and his ex-wife calls my ex and he's like this is weird. She's like have you heard from Joe? And we're like no, I have an ultrasound in like two hours and last we knew he riding, so we went to his house. No one had been there for days, so we called the sheriffs. I'm just shaking talking about it. I miss him so much.

Kay: 55:48

We set up a search team. We didn't find him until the second day of the search. Luckily, we didn't find him. The wardens did. He had been out there for seven days. He was riding his ATV. Oh yeah, his body. Luckily he was out riding his ATV. He died on impact. It was still really, really, really tough.

Kay: 56:14

You know he was Uncle Joe. Do you know any of the teen centers? He ran the teen centers. It was like the CEO and then it was Joe. I mean, if that tells you how good of a guy he is. I mean, all those kids that go to the teen center, they go there because they don't have, you know, loving homes, they don't have good supports, they they need the extra support. They can't go to their, their family, and Joe was that person. Joe was just the most incredible man I have ever met and unfortunately, you know, I missed the ultrasound because we were searching for him and then I rescheduled it.

Kay: 57:00

We went in and she kept going over and over and over the same thing, over and over again. This is my fourth kid. We're supposed to be looking for a damn pinky toe. You know, I was like, was like, oh, what is happening? So I looked at her. I'm like, is there something wrong? She's like, um, and mind you.

Kay: 57:26

So, uh, they, they send you to the main med building, uh, to, for these scans. So, sorry, a little uneasy, I'm at main med you know I haven't had the best luck with them and the doctor comes in and they told me that I had absent flow through my cord and he had dropped from the 80th percentile to the first percentile in a matter of four weeks. He just stopped growing, like immediate, like I don't even know when. And I am just still so thankful that I rescheduled that ultrasound. You know, all we needed to see was a pinky or a toe, whatever it was, in his genitals. Like I already knew I was having a boy, like I don't know. It was crazy the fact that I even rescheduled it and and then, after you know finding out, joe died rescheduling it again. You know, that was just. It was crazy. Um. So the doctor comes in and they tell me, you know, if I don't get admitted, I'm having a stillborn. They had to have said stillborn about a hundred times and it was crazy. I'm bawling my eyes out, cody. I've never seen him cry. I'm bawling his eyes out because we're like what is happening? At this point? I don't even know what absent flow is. I don't know what IUGR is. I hope they're throwing out all these things. My mind's racing and all I can hear on repeat is stillborn in my head and I'm like is my baby? Like? Okay, they're, like, you need to be admitted and you need to be admitted now. And so that that was tough.

Kay: 59:25

So I went home, I got the kids from daycare, I got home and this was probably the hardest part of my whole thing. You know, cody was my abuser and now I had to leave my kids unattended with him, even his own kid. He was very, very mean to my oldest. You know he always held him to a very, very high standard, like almost like he's a 10 year old, you know, and you know at this point he's only, you know, four. You know he. He said he shouldn't be throwing toys. He's four, he's four instead of, you know, doing the extreme punishment. You know you gotta talk to them and so I mean I, I was terrified. I no one else to take them.

Kay: 1:00:16

I have no idea at this point if I'm going in overnight. They told me I could be overnight. It could be until the day I give birth. Birth. So at this point I'm only 20, I think it's 27 weeks. 24 weeks, no, it's 20, it's 27 weeks at this point. So if I have to stay in the hospital until January, that's a long time. You know, especially to. You know, leave the kids, so I get the kids off, I bring them home, I get a babysitter there. I don't know how much stuff to pack. So I was being optimistic. I only packed a pair of pajamas and nothing else in my toothbrush and I was like you know, I'm gonna be overnight, it's gonna be fine. Well, one night, turning two nights into 34 days. I was admitted for 34 days.

Kay: 1:01:18

Uh, luckily, my best friend practically moved in, uh, because she knew how he was. It was the second day I was in there. I texted her. I was like I'm going to rip out my IV and I'm going home. I was like you know, I can't, can't do this. I was like you know, I put me in a really tough spot. You know I have my unborn baby and I also have, you know, I'm even getting emotional even talking about it. It was a really really tough spot. Emotional, even talking about it was a really really tough spot.

Kay: 1:01:56

But luckily, um, my best friend moved in. She made sure everything was, you know, handled. Um, she made sure they, you know, were brushing their teeth because you know, basic care didn't exist to him. You know they were getting baths. You know their hair was getting brushed, just all the basic stuff that, like I knew he wouldn't do. Making sure they had, you know, fruits and veggies and not, you know, processed food all the time. And she's a lifesaver, she really is. So that really did put my mind at ease, knowing that they had someone that truly loved them and cared for them there. So I was admitted for 34 days. I had I need to take iron supplements, I had to eat Tums, I had low calcium, I'm anemic, my blood pressure was through the roof, so I had pre-E. It was really really rough time. So I get there the first I get there, they gave me a steroid shot in my butt. That was wonderful.

Angela: 1:03:01

So we did the steroid shot and that was in the lungs, right in case the baby's lungs, yeah, um, so they can only give you one every 24 hours.

Kay: 1:03:12

So then at that point I knew I was at least staying for 48 hours. Um, so after the first 48 hours it was very, very irritating, and I understand it was probably irritating for the doctors too. But like there was no game plan, they were looking at my, my dopplers, making sure that the flow wasn't going reverse, because it was still going to the baby, but just not when my heart was at rest. Um, so he still was getting nutrients just when my heart was beating. But we, they had to check it, make sure the cord didn't go backwards. The flow didn't, because then that would would have been really bad. We would have. I don't even know what would have happened. So they keep telling me you know, I they have to check this every day. But they're telling me, oh, you might be able to go home. Well, how can I go home if I need daily ultrasounds? You know, I lived in Lewiston and they're all the way down in Portland. Lewiston won't take me because I'm still so early. Let's say I had to give birth. They don't have the NICU to. You know, accommodate us.

Kay: 1:04:22

So that was a little tough, you know with my past experience, but I do have to say the whole prenatal care unit was absolutely amazing. I absolutely hate needles. All the nurses did it every time I needed lab work. The nurses who had come in with a phlebotomist playing music, dancing they're like you got this Crazy that I don't like needles and I'm covered in tattoos. They used to make fun of me for that, but it's just something about it. I don't like it. They were absolutely incredible. It definitely gave me a different outlook on Maine Med. I do have to say I even thinking about all the things they did.

Kay: 1:05:18

So I was admitted for my birthday and Landon's birthday and Halloween. So, um, like I said previously, halloween's my favorite holiday. And bawling my eyes out, I don't cry. I don't cry in front of people. It's very, very rare that I do. Bawling my eyes out to this nurse, I'm like it breaks my heart. I can't bring my kids trick-or-treating. I was like, cause I know like my, my ex isn't going to.

Kay: 1:05:41

I'm like you know, taylor actually at the time, who moved in, we're due 10 days apart. Isn't that amazing? We were due 10 days apart. Um, she was due january 2nd and I was due january 10th. Um, so we were going through this pregnancy practically side by side, like exactly together, until I was admitted I missed her baby shower. It was her first child too. So I mean, at this point she's pretty pregnant. She doesn't want to walk around with three kids. You know, trick or treating, that that's a lot to ask of her. She's already moved in, she's already sacrificed a lot for you know us.

Kay: 1:06:24

And I was crying to the nurse. I was like you know, this is really hard. I was like they're just going to, you know, sit at home. And I was like that's really sad. And she put together a trick or treat on our unit and I mean, all the other moms, my gosh, she went above and beyond. I mean, oh yeah. So my kids came in, they got to go trick or treating. I mean there was only like three other patients on the floor, but it was absolutely incredible. Um, all of our kids got to play. Um, my and Landon's birthday was the next day, so I had some stuff that I ordered off Amazon to the hospital come in. So we had like a little birthday party in there too. One of the nurses brought Landon in cupcakes. They, they really, really went above and beyond. And then I got a headache.

Angela: 1:07:32

The next day after?

Kay: 1:07:34

No, it was. So what day is Halloween? It's the 31st, so the 1st, so on the 12th, so probably on the 9th, they came in every day with their rounds headache. You know their whole list of things. They ask you and I'm like, you know, I kind of do have a headache. They're like, you know, drink some water, you know. So I'm hydrating, hydrating, hydrating as much as I can. And, you know, the next day I wake up, it's a little worse and I'm like I still got this headache. Third day I wake up, I still got this headache. Fourth day, I have a migraine. They do my blood pressure. It's through the roof, through the roof. They're like, all right, well, through the roof. They're like all right, well, we gotta get this headache gone or you're delivering him today.

Kay: 1:08:40

This was on wait, so this was on the 11th. So they pulled up Google on their phone. They got a hundred ways to get rid of a headache. They're putting me in all weird positions, put my face in ice. Well, you know, doing weird stuff. It was hilarious, um, they made it funny.

Kay: 1:08:59

I mean, it was a very, very scary time, but they they made me feel so safe and comfortable and and they were amazing. They tried everything they could to get that headache away and we just couldn't do it. I then had to go on the dreaded magnesium. It was awful. I would not wish that on anyone. It was absolutely crazy.

Kay: 1:09:31

I couldn't even walk to the bathroom by myself. You know I that whole time I had already been in there. I was in there already for a month. You know I was in there for 30 days and I never once rung my call bell. You know I could still get up and do my own stuff. You know I could still get up and do my own stuff. You know I never had to ring them. They told me I was their easiest patient because I didn't ever need anything and I knew I was saving it for after I gave birth. But we I couldn't even I all forced to the bathroom. Luckily I had my own private bathroom, but fishbowl effect, you know I couldn't walk. It almost felt like I was drunk, maybe I don't even know. It was such a weird feeling, just like with my eyes. You know I can't even describe it was almost like I was in a fishbowl, you know, like if I focused I could see right in front of me, but everything else was just swirling. It was almost like my peripherals were like a van gogh painting. It was so that made my headache even worse. Um, not to mention my body side effects. I had my body side effects. I thought that I got hit with a mac truck, I just didn't remember. Absolutely atrocious, I think I was it. I think you can only do it for four, 48 hours at a time or something, so I had it for 24 hours.

Kay: 1:11:17

The doctors came in, cause I couldn't get rid of my headache. Um, my blood pressure was way too high and everything. They came in and they said that, um, they were waiting for a OR to open. Mind you, this is like in the morning. So I hadn't eaten since last night, like the night prior. So they're like, don't eat.

Kay: 1:11:41

Because I opted for a C-section where we were looking at having a two pound baby. I guess being that small can put too much stress on them giving birth, um, so it wasn't really something I was willing to risk, so I just opted it. My first c-section too, obviously. So I I just opted for that. I had signed all the consent paperwork because I also got my. I got tubal as well, so it was 1111. They told me I was having a baby that day and I was kind of excited.

Kay: 1:12:15

So the mom I was telling you about earlier, she, she adopted me. My biological mom passed away a day before Mariana's gender reveal and in in a car accident. It was crazy, um so, and I used to always make fun of her because if she caught the clock at 11, 11, she'd post on Facebook and all she would write was 11, 11. And I used to make fun of her. I'm like you're an old lady, don't do that, mom. Like what are you doing? And so when on 11-11, when they told me I was having him, it kind of I mean, we're going into this with so much uncertainty I was almost like it's going to be okay, it's 11-11. Like we're going to make it. And then we waited, like we're going to make it. And then we waited and we waited. I can't even drink water there. I'm on magnesium. They have to take my blood every two hours. They didn't even get me in till five o'clock in the evening the next day the next day the next day.

Kay: 1:13:27

So, I mind you, they took me out of my prenatal room, where I have lived, and for like 34 days they put me in one of those like surgery prep rooms or whatever. No windows, no, nothing, no food, no water. They're taking my blood every two hours. I can't sleep. I'm starving. They're taking my blood every two hours. I can't sleep, I'm starving, I got a headache, I'm in pain.

Kay: 1:13:52

I felt bad because probably like the last 12 hours before I had him, I was over life. I was so over it that phlebotomist came in my room. I was like I was like you're not taking my blood. She got out. She got out and then another one came in and I was not too pleased because the new phlebotomist, she goes. I don't have to go in through your vein, I can prick your finger. I'm like, oh, you guys could have been pricking my finger this whole time, but okay, so I let them get finger pricks the remainder of the time.

Kay: 1:14:33

So we get back to the OR. I'm terrified, absolutely terrified. We get back there and at this point I'm scared. It's no longer 11-11 anymore, it's 11-12. So I'm like you know, I'm a superstitious person.

Kay: 1:14:54

I was like I don't know if that's supposed to mean something, like if something I don't know. I was like I, you know, I felt a lot more comfortable having him yesterday opposed to today, and I was wicked weak, weak, I hadn't seen anything. They numb me. They asked me if I want to watch and I said no, um, I don't want to see my guts on a table. So they're, they're doing their thing, it it's going pretty good.

Kay: 1:15:22

And then all of a sudden they're like he's in his sack. I was like what they took him and he was still in his sack. I was like what they took him and he was still in his sack. And so I had read, like in other countries, if you're born in your sack, that you're automatically royalty, you're a king or you're a queen, and so at this point, like we don't even know, like if he's breathing, so I mean he's kicking in there, but like we don't know what's going to happen when we pop that sack. No idea, um, they pop it. So I was 32 weeks and one day, but he was more like a 27-weeker.

Kay: 1:16:15

So they popped the sack and he let out a tiny little cry, and I have never cried so hard, because, you know, the NICU really prepares you for everything, especially when you're a long term resident, like I was. And they came up like two or three times and they're telling you know they refresh you what labor and delivery is going to look like, what after is going to look like. So I was pretty prepared. They said that you never know, with that size, you know they might not come out crying, they may come out crying. I mean, you don't know. And he came out crying and they, um, they, uh, uh, put them over on the scale. They wrapped him up in some plastic like a plastic bag, almost wrapped him up. They swaddled him and then they put some oxygen in and I actually got to hold him. I didn't get to hold him because I just had a C-section, but the nurse came over and it was crazy because I got to look at him a lot longer than I got to look at Landon, and Landon was a 34 weeker and Miles was a 32 weeker, so it that was kind of crazy, especially, um, miles was two pounds seven ounces when he was born.

Kay: 1:17:49

I saw him, they took him to the NICU. I had to go back into that room and I couldn't leave until I could twitch one of my limbs. So I made the nurse stand in there the whole time. I'm like, because I need to go down that NICU For some reason. My biggest fear is like my baby getting swapped and I was like I feel like I couldn't really see him. He was in a bag. I was like I want to see my baby's face, so I know what he looks like, so he doesn't get swapped. And it was so funny. So the whole 30 days I was there I kept telling them how scared I was that my baby was gonna get swapped and they're like it won't happen. It won't happen. So I made the nurse stay in because the second my toe twitched. I'm like, did you see?

Kay: 1:18:47

that so they did. They brought me down. Um, I was still. I mean, I just had major surgery, I'm still on the mag, I still haven't eaten, I still haven't drank anything, so I'm still really weak. They, they wheel me down there and just how I was so sad, just the way the bed and the isolate, like how level they were, like there was a whole blind spot. I couldn't even see him. I couldn't even see him. They opened up like the little door and I could hold his hand, but like I still couldn't see his face because of like the, like the I can't remember what they call it, but but I just couldn't see his face and but I was just way too tired to argue. I was like you know what Do? Whatever you guys need to do, I mean I'll go get some rest. And I did. We did 54 days in the NICU.

Kay: 1:19:43

That was that was really rough, trying to juggle, you know, home life. My kids had a really hard time with the transition. You know me not being there. And then you know hearing, oh my gosh, my brother is here. And then, like mom coming home with no baby, like I, actually I pulled them out of daycare after I I got out.

Kay: 1:20:14

After I got out I found out that because no one told me about anything that was happening and no one told Taylor what was happening at daycare. But they weren't giving our kids drinks. All three of my kids got bit in the same day. I understand kids get bit. My kids fist fight. I understand. I understand accidents happen. I understand. You know in daycares they're going to get bit, they're going to get hit, they're going to. You know, my gale scrape was blood on it. But for all three of my kids in the same day to come home with a bite mark one so bad they had to call the police, one so bad they had to call the police.

Kay: 1:20:51

And then the day I was released, taylor was like you go home, you know, get yourself comfortable. I hadn't been home in a while. I'm going to go pick up the kids and all the older classrooms were outside. And then there is the baby room right by the front door and then the baby teacher was all the babies had lunch, they're all eating. And the teacher goes yeah, let me go get them. And leaves taylor by herself with all those eating babies, leaves them all unattended. She got like snatched one. One of those babies could have choked. What, if you know, someone came up to the door and Taylor just thought it was, you know, a parent and opened that door for them, like she didn't know, and just the abuse that has came from that place. I took them out. So that was something else. That was really, really hard.

Kay: 1:21:48

When I found out, um, because I thought I had it all planned out I was like, oh, it'll be perfect, they can go to daycare for the day, I can go spend the whole day at the NICU, come home and spend the night with my kids. Of course, nothing works out that easy, you know, we, we found out and we weren't the only case. You know, we found out a lot about that daycare. It was very disheartening that we, I put my trust into that daycare. It was very, very hard, um.

Kay: 1:22:19

So now, you know, I got three kids at home during the day, not wanting to leave them with my ex at night to go see him. I did, um, I went and saw him every single day. There was maybe a day or two in there that I, you know, just couldn't make it in. But trying to juggle NICU life with home life, it's terrible, especially living an hour away. You know we fought, I fought and I fought and I fought once he was starting to do better, to get him transferred over to CM into theirs. But by the time he was even able or qualified to go over to CM he only had like three or four days left before he was discharged. I wasn't making him transfer and all that would have been too much stress on him, so, but that was hard. It was very, very hard, like going home pumping to for for no baby, you know, at home.

Angela: 1:23:26

For almost two months.

Kay: 1:23:26

You said right home for almost two months. You said, right, 54 days. So, yeah, just about. You know it was. It was really tough. Um and Cody, uh, my ex had taken a turn too. Uh, after I came home, he, he was. He was rotten. He really was. I had just had miles, uh, it was.

Kay: 1:23:46

I think it was two days postpartum and I finally was like, okay, I'm to go take a shower. Well, I forgot a towel. I'm going to go walk into my bedroom. He's like you need to get clothes on. No one wants to see that. I'm like I was just cut open like a Ziploc baggie and your child was ripped out of me. I almost died doing it. And you want me to put clothes on, you know? Um.

Kay: 1:24:08

So then I was dealing with a lot of the verbal, almost like fat shaming and stuff which he had never done before. Um, which was hard. I like I said I saw him take a turn for the worse. Um start drinking every night, he started getting physical and the last, last time he got physical, I said enough was enough. I called the cops. He didn't get arrested. I didn't want him arrested, I just wanted him, you know, off my property. Um, I kicked him out. I've never heard from him again. I got a restraining order. That that was a huge breath, breath of relief, like relief, um, that the courts I finally felt like heard.

Kay: 1:24:52

You know, when you're a victim, you know, once you go to tell your story, everyone's like you didn't go through all that, you were happy. I'm like, yeah, I was happy on Facebook. You know, it's like I wasn't going to tell everyone everything that was going on. I was like I couldn't even handle it. I'm like, even if I told people, no one would have stepped up to the plate. You know, no one was going to help me out of that situation, you know.

Kay: 1:25:21

So once I left him, it was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I literally felt like I lost like 175 pounds. Um, it was really, really good. Um, my, my depression wasn't really there. Um, I didn't really have postpartum with him, all that bad. Um, which was amazing, and I really think it was cause I kicked him to the curb and you know I he was like having another child and it was very, very difficult. Once we got home, he settled right in.

Kay: 1:25:59

Unfortunately, we are still dealing with a lot of health issues that are still undiagnosed undiagnosed. I used to be very shy and timid and like go with the flow. Once you're a mom especially to these babies, or even like nonverbal children, you are their only voice. No one else is going to bat for them like you do. You know, I thought I had a wonderful PCP that would have gone to bat for me. He didn't. No one will stick up for your children other than you. Honestly, you are their best voice. It's too bad it took me having a medical baby to realize this, but you have to. If something in your gut is telling you something's wrong, speak up. You know you got to go with your gut.

Angela: 1:26:53

Yeah, definitely. So how have things been going since Miles's birth?

Kay: 1:26:59

It's rough, you know, being a single mom to four. But honestly, when I, like I said, when I met my husband, I knew right then and there you know it's hard to date a mom of four, you know. So I'd have a couple friends over for game nine. He'd come over. You know just seeing the way I mean the whole time he didn't even care about me. He was just over there playing with the kids. You know he reminds me of my dad. I always told my dad he'd make a good gym teacher and it's just, that's just Forrest. And he's just got like so much love to give and you know all my kids are calling him dad and all their behaviors have done a 180. I mean from going from pure toxicity to just a pure loving home. You know he breaks his back for us.

Kay: 1:27:50

I'm still a stay-at-home mom. I mean none of these kids are his. I get no child support, we get no breaks. His mom and his sister are godsends. I mean they watch the kids, they help us with the kids. They are, I mean, truly amazing and honestly I wish I met Forrest before. I wish I had all the same kids just with him. But you know, god works in mysterious ways and Forrest has no kids. Forrest has zero kids and he's 30, 35. No kids. And he just took to mine and he's like, yep, these are my kids. Now he's goes to every appointment. I mean, last time we were in Boston for that extended stay, he, he took it right off of work. He's great, he really is he. I had to put a ring on that finger.

Angela: 1:28:42

That is amazing. I'm so happy to hear your, your happy ending like it really was.

Kay: 1:28:49

I mean, I honestly feel like and it was crazy because Forrest was my first date after I left Cody. He was my first date. I went on and I was like you're the one we met on a dating app. We talked for like a couple weeks. Um, we met up in the old port with a couple friends and then he never left my side since, and then we moved out the apartment, moved in here. He bought his mom a house, so she lives next door. Um, and they're connected to each other oh my gosh, and he's just amazing.

Kay: 1:29:26

I literally could not. I feel like everything I went through was like a test and it showed me like how much you can get through. And you know I see a lot of women going through the same DV stuff that you know I've been through. Or you know the constant cheating or the, you know, like I said, the financial abuse. A lot of people don't realize how many different variations of abuse there is.

Kay: 1:29:55

And you know I I've helped a lot of people and bringing it to light because you know there's no reason why you know your stay at home mom, you, your husband, should be. You know you should have access to money to you, should, you know, not get in trouble, for you know getting yourself a cup of coffee, you know it's like that. Being a stay at home mom is your job. You know, because I went through, you know, four years with Cody and I didn't have a single dime to my name. You know I had to do crazy things for gas money. I had to, you know, just to get, you know, our kids to the doctor's office. Like no one should ever have to do that.

Kay: 1:30:40

And so I like to bring light to you know DV situations. I actually Tony a lot of TV, a lot of baby stuff recently to a tv shelter. Just, it takes a lot. It takes a lot and you got to be patient. You know you'll know when the time comes, when it's time to leave, and when that time comes you have to. You have to because if your gut's telling you you know it's time to leave, there's a reason why, because things are going to hit the fan and it's going to go real bad. So I love spreading light to it, because a lot of women don't realize that they are being abused. So it's been great. So now I don't put up with no shit. Forrest even looks at me wrong. I'm like stop.

Angela: 1:31:33

It is important to bring stories like this to light, you know, because it's not something a lot of people are talking about or sharing about, and a lot of people feel like they're alone and like it's just happening to them. And it's not.

Kay: 1:31:44

And this is it really is and no matter, no-transcript. You know two baby daddies that aren't in the picture and I found them my first date. It's. It's fantastic and I I really hope, like anyone that does listen to this, like if they are in a similar situation, that they can get out in. There are resources and you know, through these doors is fantastic.

Kay: 1:33:01

What's the one in Sanford? Caring, unlimited. They are absolutely wonderful. You know, you call them if you're in a DV situation. They'll get you their deep, their, uh, how their DV shelters are beautiful. You get your own room, um, they help you within two weeks on getting a housing voucher, um, they set you right up. You know, um, they get you out of that situation. I I been to a couple dv shelters. They help you with diapers. One d, I didn't have a license. The dv shelter they went out and bought me a double stroller so I could, you know, go get groceries. And there are resources that I really think they need to be advertised more because it's hard. Ma Maine doesn't have many resources, but the ones we do have are absolutely incredible.

Angela: 1:33:54

You know, let's see if I can find the links for those and link those in the show notes so people can can click over if they need.

Kay: 1:34:00

Yeah, that would be fantastic. A lot of doctors offices are well. All doctors offices are safe spots too. You can always you know talk to your doctor about it.

Angela: 1:34:11

Well, thank you so much, Kay, for taking the time to chat with me today.

Kay: 1:34:16

I'm really glad we finally got to connect. This was absolutely amazing. I listened to a lot of your podcasts when I was in the hospital. You know, it was nice to know I wasn't alone. I wasn't, you know, even if it didn't pertain to, like IUGR, if it didn't pertain to anything I was going through, it's nice to know I wasn't the only one having complications. I, it wasn't just, it wasn't even my body that failed him, but you know, in my head that's what it was, and it's especially with Miles, you know, but I wasn't the only one that felt like that. I, you know, I, your podcast really, really helped me through some really dark times and I hope and I know I'm not the only one. You know, it's amazing that you do this and shed light and everything. I mean you're great.

Angela: 1:35:08

Oh well, thank you. I think you're great and all of the moms that share stories on the podcast are great, and it really wouldn't be possible without all of you amazing moms coming on and sharing your vulnerable.

Kay: 1:35:18

It wouldn't be possible without you doing it. So we really really appreciate it. I mean, I'm sure playing a first time moms watch this. I'm sure you know someone having their ninth kid is still watching. But I appreciate it so much, I'm so happy I was able to be on.

Angela: 1:35:38

Before you go, I just want to remind you I have a ton of resources for pregnancy and birth. If you're pregnant, whether you're a first time mom or if this is your fifth baby, I want you to check out the show notes, because I have some free trainings and free downloads that you can sign up for, as well as the link to access my Labor of Love, a comprehensive, self-paced online childbirth education course. I created this course specifically for moms who don't want to be told what to do, regardless of where you're birthing or who you're birthing with, and I'd honestly love to teach you everything that I know so that you can prepare for an autonomous birth experience and prepare to step into your role as the leader of your birth journey. So click to the show notes, check out all of those links and, if you ever have any questions, feel free to DM me at my main birth over on Instagram.