141. MyMaine Birth: How We Birth Matters, Alannah’s First Three Pregnancy and Birth Stories

Alannah: 0:00

Yeah, I mean it's like you don't realize how how deep it really affects you until you're on the other side of it and then you're like, whoa, okay. I mean, in the moment it was like, so he came in, um, because he was the doctor um who was on shift that night, and obviously, like other people came in, and immediately he's like at the foot of my bed. And mind you, like, I'm not in pain. I'm not like I was fine, except for I was being told I wasn't fine because I was bleeding. Obviously, that's not what you want. Um, my baby was on my chest, my husband was on my right, everybody was it was suddenly a problem. And so right out of the gate, like he wants, or like I there was like an interaction with my midwife of like trying. I think I had been in the process of trying to get him to latch for the first time and like have have a feeding afterbirth. And I think she still wanted me to do that, even though all of that was going on. And he was like, nope, we're not doing that. Um he he had my husband take the baby, um, which immediately that was like turning point set me off because, like, no, like, don't take my baby. Like, of course, it was my husband, so like thankfully it was him, but like I wasn't ready for that. Like, I did not like under duress want to be handing over my baby who was then crying. Um, and so then I'm crying and I'm super upset. And I remember him going, Why are you crying? And of course, like, I'm not answering, like, I and then he he like basically my choice was my husband could stay with me and someone could take the baby away, or my husband could take the baby and leave the room. And so I didn't want our baby going with a stranger. Um, so my husband took him and and I literally just cried and cried and just I said out loud over and over, I just want to hold my baby. And and I didn't know where they went. I didn't know when they were gonna come back or what was gonna happen to me. I heard my midwife say something about an operating room. Um, and like I literally just like everything was happening around me, and I was just laying on this bed, like with my legs spread open, and this man who was kind of being an asshole, like at the foot of my bed, who just sent my husband and my baby away. And I'm just crying out for him, and no one acknowledged me at all. Um, and really finally, the only person that did acknowledge me was um, I mean, they had anesthesia come in um because it had the epidural, and they wanted that um ramped back up all the way. Cause I remember like Dr. Tardith did something and it hurt, obviously. It just like pushed a human out of my body, so it was pretty sensitive. So um, so like the anesthesia and like their assistant or whatever, like they came in the room, and um so I know that they I'm pretty sure like fentanyl like ramped that back up, and I really don't even know. They gave me some cocktail where like I was there, like I wasn't asleep, I wasn't, you know, whatever, but it's like I stopped fighting back, like I just laid there. Um, and like I could hear, I could see, like um the the um anesthesia assistant or whoever she was, I don't know. She wasn't like the main anesthesia person, but like she was to my right. Um, and she says something to me, like, I don't know, I think trying to be supportive or whatever, I don't remember at this point, but she was literally the only one to acknowledge that I was there and like this was happening to me, and like yeah, so I had nobody explaining anything to me. I had and I remember saying the doctor like the so got the placenta out, which he reached in for, and I remember him being like, it was right there. I'm like, I'm great, like so yeah, so it was really just like I wanted my baby, and nobody gave him to me, and um, and I genuinely feel like like the hemorrhage was not the traumatic part to me at all. Like, obviously, that's scary, and I wouldn't want that, but that was not the trauma. The trauma was Dr. Tardiff and the way that he behaved and the way that he talked to me, and uh my baby being gone into another room, which also so my husband leaving his wife, who's hemorrhaging after the birth of our first baby, he's holding our son for the first time, like in that situation. It wasn't like this peaceful, like, here's our baby, you know. Like, I handing him to him because I apparently have to. He doesn't know what's happening, and I don't know what's happening, and I hand him our baby, and he has to leave, and so he doesn't that's it, like he's out of the room and he has no idea what's going on with me. And so he went to the room across the hall, and not a single nurse went with him. There were the nurses state, like it's a small unit, and the nurses station is like right there, and not one of them went to go see him. No one from my room like escorted him or stayed with, like, he was literally this new dad with his new baby with his wife, like heavily bleeding in the next room, and he's just standing there alone with our baby, and like it's really disturbing, honestly. Like, it's really disturbing, and um, and then it's like thinking that I was just drugged laying there while this all happened to me, and and I felt like it was like, okay, well, like now I'm quiet. I'm not gonna not gonna cause a scene anymore. I'm not gonna cry out for my baby. I'm just laying here and like and then next thing I know, like it's all calm again, and my husband's coming back in with our baby, and that was pretty much that. And like, no skin off anyone else's back, you know.

Angela: 7:04

I'm Angela, and I'm a certified birth photographer, experienced duela, childbirth educator, and your host here on the My Main Birth podcast. This is a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine. From our state's biggest hospitals, the birth center births, and home births. Every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated. Whether you're a seed-to-be mom, a seasoned mother, or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you. Welcome back. You're listening to the final episodes of season three. This is episode 141 of My Main Birth. Over the next few episodes, I am so excited to have Alana here to share all about her four pregnancy stories and five birth stories. Many of you already know Alana. She is a fellow birth photographer here in Maine. You can find her on Instagram or Facebook over at Birthbody Photography. In this episode, which is part one of her story, we talk about Alana's first three pregnancies and birth experiences and her natural evolution of consciousness around birth. And definitely don't miss part two in the next episode where Alana tells the story of her twin pregnancy and births. Alright, hi Alana. Welcome to My Main Birth.

Alannah: 8:33

Hi.

Angela: 8:34

How are you?

Alannah: 8:36

I'm good. How are you?

Angela: 8:38

Good. Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me today. I'm really looking forward to hearing you tell your stories.

Alannah: 8:45

Thank you. I'm so glad that you invited me on. I'm looking forward to chatting about everything. Great. Yeah.

Angela: 8:54

Well, to get started, would you share a little bit about you and your family?

Alannah: 8:59

Yeah, sure. So, Alana, of course, and I am a stay-at-home mom, which I have been for almost nine years now. My oldest is gonna be nine next month. I'm also a birth photographer, birth body photography. I'll give myself a little shout out if anybody's ever seen my stuff. And yeah, I've been, my husband and I have been together for almost 15 years, and we have five kids now, and he also works for himself. He owns Finn property services. So he, I'm gonna shout him out too. Um, so yeah, so we both, we both just kind of do our do our own thing and we homeschool. So we have our oldest who is almost nine, and then we have who our oldest boy, and then we have another boy who is six, another boy who's gonna be five in a couple weeks, and then our eight-month-old twins, boy girl twins. So yeah, it's a full house. And we are just, yeah, that's that's kind of our little our little rundown. Yeah.

Angela: 10:12

Yeah. So to jump into your birth stories now, will you start by sharing about how you found out you're pregnant for the first time and what your thoughts were then in choosing your care?

Alannah: 10:24

Yeah. So the first time that I found out, I mean, I got pregnant right away, and I kind of just felt like I was gonna be pregnant. Like, I don't know, it was like wait that wait period before you take the test. I was like, I kind of think it's gonna be like I just had this feeling, and then um I was I snuck off and I bought pregnancy tests without my husband knowing because I wanted it to be a surprise. And I took one and it was positive right out of the gate. And I took it while he was at work, and then I just paced around our kitchen going, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, for a few minutes, cried a little bit and was just like, okay, like you know, it was pretty wild. And then a couple days later I told him, I don't know why I waited so long. I was just like, I couldn't even, it was just it hope we were hopeful that that was gonna be the case, but it was still just like, whoa. Um and yeah, so we were just we were both really excited, and and honestly, like, I mean, this was we were we were so young back then. Um, and I was the first kind of in my generation in my family to have a baby. And so I kind of felt like I didn't have a lot of there weren't people around me. Like I was the first friend to have a baby, like there's I just didn't have like a lot of that happening around me. And so I really ended up like home birth was never in my vocabulary. I didn't know anyone who had had one. I had like that, just I don't know, wasn't wasn't a thing for me. Giant regret. Um, but I just ended up going to the hospital where my insurance was from, which at the time was St. Mary's in Lewiston. They're closed now, as you know, I'm sure. And that was kind of it. Like I chose, I did want to have a midwife. She obviously was a hospital midwife. I didn't want to have an OB, and that was just kind of that was just kind of it. And I have a lot of feelings around that, but but yeah, so that was just kind of like where we started.

Angela: 12:35

Yeah. So how was that pregnancy looking for you? Like as things progressed?

Alannah: 12:40

Yeah, it was um actually really simple. I had a couple weeks of feeling pretty gross um in the first trimester. But then once I hit the second trimester, third trimester, I was feeling really good. There were no like complications, baby was good, I was good. Um, I got like achy at the end, but overall it was just a really simple, I loved it. I really loved it. And um, and then going into my second pregnancy, it was like a really rude awakening because they got like increasingly difficult with each one. So, so I enjoyed that first one a lot. And it was really cool. I I I really enjoyed it. I really did.

Angela: 13:24

Yeah. So when you say you had a lot of mixed feelings about like that one, was that like kind of in hindsight? Like, how were you like with your appointments and stuff as you were going through that pregnancy?

Alannah: 13:34

Yeah, so I think I think I just was really naive and I just didn't know better. I didn't know different. I didn't really realize that there was so there was just such this huge variety of options for support, for care, for where you could give birth, who you could give birth with, like all of that was such, it was like a super foreign sort of thing for me. Like I said, like none of my friends were having babies. Like obviously, you know, if if any of the women in my family had had home births, like that might have been like a oh, interesting. I wonder what that's all about. But all hospital births, like all down the line that I know of. And yeah, so it was sort of like I felt like by having a midwife and and yeah, just kind of just choosing that rather than like a doctor. And you know, and I kind of had this vision of wanting to have like an unmedicated birth and you know, all of that, that I was like doing it different than sort of like everybody that I knew. And like that felt good, and I felt like confident, but also you don't have any idea when it's your first go-around, like what confidence in what? Like, I don't know. I had no idea what was gonna any any of it. So I just really like I felt I felt good with my midwife. There was definitely like a chunk of time during my pregnancy where where I didn't see her for one reason or another, like a few appointments in a row, um, because she, I don't know, like was sick or ended up having to, whatever, and like schedules didn't line up or whatever have you. Um and because actually, like all of the other midwives um at the hospital, they would you would see all of them, which is pretty typical. You see everybody. Um, but this midwife, she would just see her own people. And I really I really liked that. So that meant a lot. And so then when I had this chunk of time where I wasn't seeing her, I was like, um, what is going on? I started kind of freaking out a little bit where I was like, she's like out of the loop. Like, is she like, am I gonna see her again? Is she gonna like what's going on? Like, I even considered like not having her be my midwife because I was like, oh my God, like what, you know, but it just kind of ended up like I didn't do that. I kept her as my midwife and I met a couple of the other ones, um, which was fine and they were nice. I didn't have like a problem with them. I just really kind of like wanted my one person. Which, like, again, hindsight, I'm like, of course I did, duh. Like, that feels good. Um, and yeah, so like I didn't have any major, major issues or you know, I just kind of was like rolling with it. There were, there weren't like complications. So it just like there wasn't a whole lot to really like talk about. It was just sort of these general, like, I'm good, baby's good, like just keep rocking and rolling, growing the baby and doing my thing. And it was relatively uneventful, which is a good thing. I take that as a good thing.

Angela: 16:52

Yeah, definitely. And and like you said, it is it's so hard in your first pregnancy, like to know really, because you don't know, you've never been through it before.

Alannah: 17:00

Yeah. And then especially to not have like a like a community around me at that time who was kind of in that as far as like having babies or even even just in the last like few years, but no, it was just like I was I was kind of the first. Um, so it was like I didn't have all of these other like experiences and like this wisdom from other people in my life. Um, I mean, my mom was very much like um, like she had she had a vaginal birth with me, and then she had a c-section with my brother, and she is like, she was all for like, I loved my c-section, I loved scheduling it, I love knowing exactly when it was gonna be. It was so much better. It was a blah blah blah. Like, I would choose that over and over, and she would like shout that from the rooftops. And so, like, that was kind of what I had, and I knew I definitely didn't want that. Um, that was not gonna be it for me. But other than that, like I didn't have any, there was no sort of other influence in my life, really, in any way. So, so that was a little interesting, but but yeah, so that was sort of the start of it all, I guess.

Angela: 18:20

Yeah, that's that is definitely hard. And so your mom had a vaginal birth with you and a C-section with your brother. Was he breach or was that I think he was breach.

Alannah: 18:30

I'm honestly not 100% sure. Um, I don't like it's just it's never been something that like we like my family is not like we're gonna talk about birth and we're gonna talk about breastfeeding and we're gonna, you know, that was like that was, I don't know, not my mom never really spoke fondly of giving birth. Uh my birth was apparently just like awful and terrible and miserable. And um, you know, so it was like I didn't have these like these good stories of birth. It was gonna be terrible, you know. Um, but I very much was like, no, it's not. Um, it's gonna be fine. Yeah, you had that intuition still, like Yeah, like this can be different for me. Like, just because that was for you doesn't mean that's gonna be for me. But um, but yeah, I do think that my brother was breach. I'm not 100% on that. Um, but I'm I'm pretty sure that was the situation. So yeah.

Angela: 19:26

So what were the final weeks and then days leading up to when your labor started looking like for you? And yeah, how was your birth?

Alannah: 19:34

I honestly had no, I had no nothing that I noticed as far as potential labor signs. I went to an appointment with my midwife at um, I was 40 weeks in one day, and we did a check, and I like there was not anything crazy going on. On, you know, whatever. But I ended up doing that because she told me at that appointment that I don't remember what day at this point, but um, she was going to be going away for like three days or something like that, like maybe even out of state. I don't know. She wasn't gonna be nearby, she was not gonna be available. And so if I had my baby, mind you, I'm 40 plus one at this point. If I had my baby on like this day, this day, or this day, she wasn't gonna be there. And I had no idea until that day that that was a thing. And so I was immediately like, um, well, I want you there. That was kind of the point, you know? Um, so and I had talked to a family member of mine. She actually worked in labor and delivery at St. Mary's, and we're just like talking about like labor and wanting to have my baby and all of that stuff. And she brought up like that her friend at one point when she was having her baby had a membrane sweep. And I was like, I don't even know what that is, I've never heard of that. Um, and she was like, Well, it's this, and like she ended up going into labor and having her baby like within whatever, you know, with within 12 hours or I don't know, a day, something. And I was like, Oh, okay, like good to know. So I kind of went into my appointment with that in the back of my head, too, that like this exists. And it felt like at the time that that wasn't really an induction, when like kind of now I'm like, well, yeah, actually, kind of it is, but um, but yeah, so I ended up when I found out that my midwife was gonna be gone, like in you know, a few days for a few days, and that there was really that risk of her not being there after, like, I wanted so badly to have that care from just her, and I had that little bit of time where I was like, oh no, she's not gonna be here. And then um, like for those appointments, and then like kind of came back around and I was like, no, it's fine, we're good, it's good. Um, and then you know, I'm gonna give birth at any moment. And she's like, Oh, actually, I'm gonna be gone. So I was like, Oh, that's a problem. And I wanted her to be there, and so I I brought up a membrane sweep to her, and I was like, So, like, what's that all about? Like, what do you think? Maybe we could do that. She's like, Yeah, we could do that. Like, I didn't really, we didn't like talk super in-depth about it. It was just kind of like, yeah, like this might do something or it might not, and like that's kind of it. And so we went for it. And what I didn't realize is that like that can kind of like kick start contractions that are not really necessarily productive, that like my body wasn't necessarily ready for. I didn't know that. So, so that kind of stinks. Obviously, like I said, learned so much more later on. But yeah, so we did do the membrane sweep. I was noticing some potential labors, like lost my mucus plug that evening. Like, I don't know, these things that which doesn't necessarily mean anything, right? But then and I didn't have any Braxton Hicks like at all in my first pregnancy. And so, like, you know, a little while before bed, I was noticing like my belly was tightening. And I was like, oh, weird. Didn't really like, oh, that those are, oh, oh, oh, okay. You know, it was kind of like figuring out that, oh, that's what that is. Like, these are probably contractions, you know, but they didn't really feel like much at the time. Um, so like I went to bed and whatever. And then I got up, I don't know, it was early morning, maybe like one or something. I could not sleep, super uncomfortable. And yeah, we were like 45 minutes from the hospital at the time. And so, like, and also I was positive for groupie strep. So, you know, there was like that, oh, we gotta get here so we can make sure we go with the antibiotics and the whatever. So I ended up, I went in and because like I was throwing up, like it was like this whole thing, and we also found out when labor was kind of starting to become really uncomfortable that the drain in our bathtub didn't work. So I like we're trying to fill up the tub and like we're trying to stuff the drain with something, and like I'm throwing up, and it was like, oh my god. Um, and yeah, so of course, like these things, I'm like, oh, like maybe we're kind of getting somewhere here. Oh, okay. Not really, not we weren't really getting anywhere. That it just felt like that to me. But um, but yeah, so we ended up going to the hospital. It was probably like three-ish in the morning, maybe. And I was like three centimeters and just in kind of misery. And that that was pretty much that. That was that was that was how that started when we when yeah, I got got that news that we um might not have my midwife there, and I was like, I don't like that. So we kind of like tried to get the ball rolling, and the ball, the ball rolled.

Angela: 25:16

So was she there when you got there? Were you still like two days before her vacation at this point?

Alannah: 25:22

Yeah, so she hadn't left. She had not left yet, and I actually like because like I said, I had that family member working, um, and she worked overnight. So like I was like, it was 1 a.m. or whatever time, and I was like texting her and talking to her, but like I had my midwife's phone number, like her cell phone number, and I never at any point was like, I need to call her directly. So I don't know, I don't know why. Um, so it wasn't even until I got there, I think, or maybe they knew that I was on my way or whatever, and they told her that I was coming. So she was not there when I got there. She got there, I don't think it was too long after, though. So I was still um like in the early-ish time frame. I wasn't, you know, about to push my baby out and she rolled in. So she was there. Um, she didn't leave. So that was good. But yeah, honestly, like my first birth was super traumatic. It was super, like I still actually I'm trying to think. I don't know if it was last year or the year before was like the first time that I didn't cry on my son's birthday, and he's gonna be nine. So, like, even now I'm like, I'm gonna cry talking about it. Um yeah, so so like it, like I, I, I had written out a birth plan. Like I didn't, I didn't want to have um pain meds, I didn't want to do any of that. I want to try to just kind of rock and roll on my own, have my husband there with me. And yeah, and I like I was super, you know, you've never done it before, so you have no idea what it's gonna feel like, what to expect, like all of that. So um, so it was really intense for me. Like I had no idea that that was gonna be what it was like, you know? So, so yeah, so it's like I had submitted this birth plan, was like, I don't want you to offer me meds unless, like, if I ask you, that's one thing, but I don't want to be offered, like all this stuff, blah, blah, blah. I had given it to my midwife like weeks earlier. So I knew that it was like a hard copy in my folder on the unit. And I don't think that they ever pulled it out. And I and I got there and it was like a slow night. It wasn't like this crazy night on this little unit. It was relatively chill there that evening uh or that morning, I guess, at that point. But yeah, I don't think anybody pulled out my birth plan because whatever nurse was there, I don't think I had been there all too long. And and I was in the tub, and my midwife hadn't gotten there yet. And um, my husband was with me, and we're just, you know, doing doing the thing. And she was like, and she brought up, um, she told me that they have new bane. So the IV medication. So because I already had the IV in my hand because of the antibiotics for the group B strep. So I already had that going. And she was like, you know, we have we have newbane, we just like put it through the IV and like it's blah, blah, blah. And so, like, immediately right out of the gate, like violated my plans, didn't want that, did not want to have that like dangled in front of me, that I was like super miserable. And so I ended up being like, okay, let's do that. Um, and then I just felt drunk and I don't like to drink, so that was not fun for me. I didn't like the way that I felt, but it was like, but it did give me like it, I did relax. I might, I think I even kind of like dozed off a little bit. My midwife like showed up during all of this and stuff, and she had like the shower like going on my belly while I was just like laying in the tub, and I was just kind of like in and out and whatever, but it was just like this weird sort of like kind of woozy, funky sort of a feeling, and then kind of eased up on that and stopped using that for a little while, and things just kept progressing, kept going. And I looking back now, I fought every contraction, every single one. I fought it. I was tense, I like didn't want it there, I wanted it to go away, which of course, but I don't know. I feel like after you've maybe given birth a couple of times, you're like, no, I welcome this because the only way out is through. So um, so there was none, I had none of that. I was like, this sucks. I hate this. I am in pain. I was tense, I was tight, I was clenching, I was fighting, which only makes it worse. So um, so yeah, so that was really hard for me. And then I ended up, like my midwife was like, You're doing really great, like you actually are. And I was like, I'm not, I don't think I hated it. And I got an epidural, and I went back and forth on that a lot, and I really that was like I didn't want that. I didn't want an epidural, but then labor like rocked my world in a way that I was not prepared for, and um yeah, so like they she she checked me to kind of like you know see what was going on. I was six centimeters, so it's kind of like okay, like uh still have a ways to go, but like we're kind of over the hump, but I don't know. And I was just like I said, I was in misery. So I regrettably decided to get an epidural, and um, and then I just like chilled, got it off kind of. I had I I definitely felt disappointment in myself, which I think came way more after the fact for sure for me. Um, but yeah, and then the rest of labor was pretty uneventful. I just hung out, maybe dozed off a little bit, chatted, whatever. Um, and then you know, I was like feeling pressury and that sort of thing. So it's like, oh, okay, like we got to a point where where things were maybe nearing the end, and and yeah, and I like on my back, pushed on my back. We had like we broke out like the like the bar to hold on to. Um, and they even tied something to that at one point, so I could do like a tug-of-war kind of a thing, and then it was like hold behind your legs and kind of like pull or whatever, and that stuff all just exhausted me. It just felt like a million times harder to have to also be like using my muscles here, using my muscles there, doing all of that stuff. And I I think I was pushing, I think I pushed for like an hour, which you know, of course, like you're a first-time mom. So, like, that's not abnormal, whatever. Um, and I had no concept of time in the moment, obviously. But yeah, and I remember like at one point, it was like between contractions and like my feet are up in the stirrups, which I kind of like hated, even in the moment where I was like, oh, I don't, uh I don't like that. And my midwife, like she had been at the foot of the bed, um, but it was in between contractions, like wasn't really doing anything at the moment, and she like walked away. And I just remember this like moment, like she just walked like near the bed, like just away from where she had been at the foot of the bed. And and like I remember just having this moment of like it just flew through me of like this, I don't like this at all. Like, cause she walked away. So anything blocking me was gone, and I'm facing the door, and you know, they might have had that sheet pulled or whatever, I don't know. But still, like, so if I knew like in that moment, like if anybody walks in, like there is nothing covering me, like I'm just fully exposed to the room right now, and I'm just chilling here. Like, and there was this really brief, quick, because you know, then another contraction came on, and then it was like back to that, but it was like, uh, I don't like that. So that was really uncomfortable. Um, and the epidural didn't fully numb me. I did have like some feeling. I was able to push, like I wasn't a complete, like limp noodle. I was glad for that. Um, but that also meant that I I remember feeling too like when I'm pushing, like I could feel my midwife like pulling down like on my perine, you know what I mean? Like with her finger doing that sort of swoop back and forth thing. And I remember being like, I was surprised by that because I had a midwife. I had a midwife, not an OB. I had a midwife. So I was like, whoa. Um, and that was not something that she had talked about during, you know, I had talked to her about like, hey, if I'm like in water or if I'm whatever, like, would you hold like a warm cloth to me to like help? Cause I really didn't want to tear like that concept, like while I knew that it was normal, just like kind of just kind of freaked me out, like in like a heebie-jeeby way. I don't know. Um, and so like we had talked about that, like a warm compress, like that sort of a thing, but never, like I never was expecting like the pulling and the whatever. And and I remember being like, oh, okay, so like I'm really doing this, and like this is happening, and like I've seen this happen. Like I had watched birth videos, like all of this. That was something that I had seen. And so, like, while I knew that like that happened, I didn't give it a ton of thought beforehand, but then while it was happening, it was like, oh, okay, so like this is what happens. This is like, and now I'm doing this, and like I don't know, it was just this sort of weird, like I don't know, it was it was we it was weird, it was a weird feeling, and and like I didn't expect it, and she didn't ask, also. And so, but it wasn't something where like in the moment I was I wasn't questioning like the normalcy because I knew that it was normal, but it being normal doesn't make it fine. So that was like in the moment, I'm obviously not like having these fully coherent thought processes because I'm like pushing out my baby, you know? So for me, that I was not like it was like I was connected to like what was happening, but I was not fully able to like have this full thought process, like walking myself through like this is what okay, and this is what, but oh, this is normal, but like that doesn't make it fine, and I don't want that, or like whatever. Like there was not, I could not do that right then, no way. And honestly, like if you can do that, like props, I don't know. Like, but I was not like that was not a thing for me. So I remember that and being like, Oh, oh, I don't like that. I don't, this is oh okay, this is happening, and okay, so that's okay, you know, like it was sort of weird, and then yeah, I don't know. I I kind of wonder now, like looking back, I never knew really to think to ask about like the baby's station. I just knew that I was 10 centimeters dilated. She ended up, she she broke my water. There was some meconium in it, and like so I immediately was like, is he okay? She was like, Yeah, like he sounds fine, like everything is okay, like whatever. But then, so so yeah, so like I'm pushing and like okay, whatever, but like an hour, but also I'm on my back, you know. So I'm like, oh, like I wonder looking back if maybe he was not like engaged all the way, and that might have been part of why it took so long, which I know again, like sometimes it just does take a while to push out a baby, but um looking back at my the four other times I pushed a baby out of my body, like it didn't take that long. And it probably wouldn't have if, you know, like I said, looking back, if I was like, well, what station is he? You know, and maybe we should wait or whatever. I don't know that I like labored down as much as I could have. Yeah, yeah. So so yeah, so pushed him out. Everything was cool. I felt so bloated. I remember just feeling like puffy, and you know, they're pumping me full of I don't even know, a whole concoction of things. And I just remember feeling like puffy and just like, but he was out and he was crying, he was healthy, like everything was fine. And then yeah, it was just me and my husband there, like, and then obviously like the nurses and whatever, but it wasn't like this crazy, like whatever. It was relatively fine from what I remember, and it was fine right up until it wasn't fine. And then I started to bleed too much.

Angela: 38:09

So did your placenta come out at this point?

Alannah: 38:12

No, so it had been about 30 minutes, and I remember my midwife being like, okay, like it's been 30 minutes. I'm not seeing your placenta really doing anything here, it's not it's not coming out. So, and I don't know what happened. I don't like so I so I started to bleed um too much, and um, and I don't know why. And I get we don't always know why, but like I have no idea if my midwife pulled on my cord at all. I have no idea, like, I don't know about any of that, like logistically. So, for all I know, something actually may have sort of like helped that situation along, um, obviously in a terrible way, but I don't know. So I started to bleed. So my midwife was like, yeah, so you're bleeding a lot. And she got the doctor, and and I'm gonna, I have never said his name out loud to anyone except for the people who are close to me, but Richard Tardiff. So if anybody else out there, if you have had a very traumatizing experience with him, I just want to shout you out and say, I'm so sorry, and you're not alone. Um, because this guy really, really, I don't just effed up my life, honestly. I haven't even like I didn't expect to cry.

Angela: 39:39

Oh, it's okay. I'm I'm like literally feeling goosebumps now hearing you explain this. And uh I had a very traumatic birth with my first and I he's 20 now and I cry on his birthday still.

Alannah: 39:50

So Yeah, I mean it's like you don't realize how how deep it really affects you until you're on the other side of it. And then you're like, whoa, okay. I mean, in the moment, it was like, so he came in, um, because he was the doctor um who was on shift that night. And obviously, like other people came in, and immediately he's like, at the foot of my bed. And mind you, like, I'm not in pain. I'm not like I was fine, except for I was being told I wasn't fine because I was bleeding. Obviously, that's not what you want. Um, my baby was on my chest, my husband was on my right, everybody was it was suddenly a problem. And so right out of the gate, like he wants, or like, I there was like an interaction with my midwife, uh like trying. I think I have been in the process of trying to get him to latch for the first time and like have have a feeding after birth. And I think she still wanted me to do that, even though all of that was going on. And he was like, Nope, we're not doing that. Um he he had my husband take the baby, um, which immediately that was like turning point set me off. Because, like, no, like, don't take my baby. Like, of course, it was my husband, so like thankfully it was him, but like I wasn't ready for that. Like, I did not like under duress want to be handing over my baby, who was then crying. Um, and so then I'm crying and I'm super upset. And I remember him going, Why are you crying? And of course, like, I'm not answering, like, I and then he he like basically my choice was my husband could stay with me and someone could take the baby away, or my husband could take the baby and leave the room. And so I didn't want our baby going with a stranger. Uh, so my husband took him and and I literally just cried and cried and just I said out loud over and over, I just want to hold my baby. And and I didn't know where they went. I didn't know when they were gonna come back or what was gonna happen to me. I heard my midwife say something about an operating room. Um, and like I literally just like everything was happening around me, and I was just laying on this bed, like with my legs spread open, and this man who was kind of being an asshole, like at the foot of my bed, who just sent my husband and my baby away. And um, and I'm just crying out for him, and no one acknowledged me at all. Um, and really finally, the only person that did acknowledge me was um, I mean, they had anesthesia come in um because it had the epidural, and they wanted that um ramped back up all the way. Cause I remember like Dr. Tarth did something and it hurt, obviously. It just like pushed a human out of my body, so it was pretty sensitive. So um, so like the anesthesia and like their assistant or whatever, like they came in the room, and um so I know that they I'm pretty sure like fentanyl like ramped that back up, and I really don't even know. They gave me some cocktail where like I was there, like I wasn't asleep, I wasn't, you know, whatever, but it's like I stopped fighting back, like I just laid there. Um, and like I could hear, I could see, like um the um anesthesia assistant or whoever she was, I don't know. She wasn't like the main anesthesia person, but like she was to my right. Um, and she said something to me, like, I don't know, I think trying to be supportive or whatever, I don't remember at this point, but she was literally the only one to acknowledge that I was there and like this was happening to me. And like, yeah, so I had nobody explaining anything to me. I had and I remember saying the doctor, like, the so got the placenta out, which he reached in for. Um, and I remember him being like, it was right there. I'm like, oh great, like um, so yeah, so it was really just like I wanted my baby, and nobody gave him to me. And um, and I genuinely feel like like the hemorrhage was not the traumatic part to me at all. Like, obviously, that's scary, and I wouldn't want that. Um, but that was not the trauma. The trauma was Dr. Tardiff and the way that he behaved and the way that he talked to me, and and my baby being gone into another room, which also, so my husband leaving his wife, who's hemorrhaging after the birth of our first baby, he's holding our son for the first time. Like in that situation, it wasn't like this peaceful, like, here's our baby, you know, like I handing him to him because I apparently have to. Um he doesn't know what's happening, and I don't know what's happening. And I hand him our baby, and he has to leave, and so he doesn't, that's it. Like, he's out of the room and he has no idea what's going on with me. And so he went to the room across the hall, and not a single nurse went with him. There were the nurses state, like it's a small unit, and the nurse's station is like right there, and not one of them went to go see him. No one from my room like escorted him or stayed with, like, he was literally this new dad with his new baby, with his wife, like heavily bleeding in the next room, and he's just standing there alone with our baby, and like it's really disturbing, honestly. Like, it's really disturbing, and um, and then it's like thinking that I was just drugged laying there while this all happened to me, and and I felt like it was like, okay, well, like now I'm quiet, I'm not gonna not gonna cause a scene anymore. I'm not gonna cry out for my baby. I'm just laying here, and like, and then next thing I know, like it's all calm again, and my husband's coming back in with our baby, and that was pretty much that. And like, no skin off anyone else's back, you know, it was like Dr. Tardiff came back in later and he was like, Hey, like, sorry we had to meet like that. I was like, Yeah, like definitely. So, like in the moment, I knew how horrified I was and how terrified, like I literally just wanted my baby, like you could have put your whole arm up inside of my body, like I'm sure you did, to get my uterus or to get my placenta out. And if I had my baby, like go go for it. Like, that's all I wanted, you know, and that's all I cried out for, and I was just ignored. Like every nurse in that room, my midwife was right there, and there she wasn't holding my hand, saying, like, hey, this is what's going on. Like, your husband, he's like right across the hall, he's got your baby, like they're they're perfect, they're good, we're gonna get them right. But like, I don't know, like it's nothing, it was nothing. Like, I just lay there after like out loud sobbing, and and then like I said, they pumped up the drugs, and then I was quiet, and then it was done, and then and then that was it. And yeah, it was like I think I think he was maybe two or three weeks old, and I was sitting in the rocking chair at home rocking him, and I was like, I literally just had this like hit me, and I was like, I had an epidural. Like, oh, like I didn't want that, I didn't want to do that, and that just started this whole like this whole everything just not, it was not good. I was not in a good place mentally at all. Um for like a while, like I could care for him, I could whatever, like that was fine, but it was like I had like anger and resentment at my midwife, I had anger and resentment at my husband, I had like everyone. It was like you all let me down, and I couldn't do anything, and I needed you, and you weren't like I it was just like across the board. I was so like it was not good. I was not not feeling great about the whole thing. Um, but like I also like had this perfect baby that I was so happy to have, and like I got to be with him at home every day, and and it was awesome, and so it was like this really conflicting back and forth um of like feelings of like complete like dread and self like loathing because like if I hadn't have gotten that up a door, if I hadn't have just if I hadn't have gotten that memory, if I hadn't have done all of these things, then it would have it would have gone different, it would have been better, it would have been fine. And I mean, you can you can talk yourself crazy doing that. So, and I did. I felt crazy going over all of that stuff over and over. Um and yeah, I mean it's it's it takes a long time to be able to. I mean, clearly I still like almost nine years later, like I can't talk about it without crying, you know. Um, that I probably never will because it's kind of really screwed up when like the best day of your life is also one of the worst days of your life. And that's what Richard Tardiff did to me, is he took what could have been the just the best day, and he also made it the worst. And so that that's been that's been really hard. That's really hard. And I, you know, like did something a little different with each of my births after that because of that.

Angela: 51:02

So yeah, wow. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry to hear that story. And that's like the the hard part of like there's so many hard parts to birth trauma, but the fact that like you keep revisiting it on your child's birthday is like also, you know, it just like it keeps going. It's like also, you know, supposed to be a really happy day, but you're still like it's like it's still like also kind of like you still got that kind of vibe, like yeah.

Alannah: 51:32

Yeah, yeah. Like having to make sure that like I like take a breath and have this happy face and I'm celebrating my baby and I love him, and like, oh, he's another year older, and like all of this. But then when there's a quiet moment in the evening, or you know, earlier when he like years ago when he was younger and he would be napping or whatever, it's like I would just like break down and I had I just like had to had to cry, like I had to because it's like holding both, holding both of the things, you know, where it's like, yay, I love you, and it's your birthday, and I'm so happy, and we get to have a party for you, and whatever, but also like that, I mean, that like rocks you from the inside out, like completely. And so like hold that too. It's like you just gotta cry, you gotta cry it out. And and then like there's the guilt that goes with that because I'm not just simply happy and celebrating whatever, like I carry that heaviness too, and I and I feel like I have to make sure that you know I'm not I'm not messing with his day, you know. I don't I don't want him to like feel that from me. So because like that's not fair to him in a way, you know, where it's like I don't want him to carry that his birthday was like the best and the worst, you know. So that's hard too as as a as a mom, because it's just supposed to be a good day, and you know, it's it's gotten lighter, I guess, each year a little bit. It's gotten a little lighter, it's gotten a little easier to sort of be on that day. But it's still it's there, and especially now as a birth worker myself, which obviously that experience definitely like propelled that in a way too. Um but now it's like I'm just so hyper-aware of how women are treated when they're giving birth, that like sometimes it feels hard not to walk away wanting to just quit and not do it because I don't want to see it. I don't want to see those things happen to other people. Um but ultimately, of course, like I show up anyway and I keep going back. But um, but yeah, that's a heavy one. That's a heavy one for me for sure.

Angela: 54:10

Yeah, yeah, it is really heavy. That's a that's a big deal. Yeah, definitely is. How long did you wait until you found out you were pregnant for the second time? And what was kind of your thoughts leading up to that? Like, were you trying, or was it like you know, was it kind of unexpected?

Alannah: 54:28

Yeah, so all of our babies were planned. Um, I mean, the the twin thing obviously don't necessarily plan for twins, but that the pregnancies are planned. So my oldest, he was about two and a half, and we had just bought our house, and so we finally had the room to have another baby. I did have a lot of fear, you know, off and on in that time of like still just having one but thinking about another, um, that that like I was gonna go through something like that again. But but yeah, it was so yeah, it was about two and a half years, got pregnant pretty quickly. Like, I've gotten pregnant on the first try every time, but with my second, it was the second try, which I feel very lucky because I know that's not the case for everybody. But but yeah, so so he came right in and and he was there, second boy. Um, and I did have a lot, there was like a lot to kind of hold on to and and let go and move through and process, and like, because I in no way wanted to repeat any of that. Obviously, like that was I was just like, no, please, no, please, please, please, no. Like, I can't, cannot. And I was so scared, like, if if that did, if anything like that did happen again, like how how could I possibly even function? Because like I knew how deeply that my first birth affected me. And so I was like, all right, well, I'm gonna go to a different hospital, um, I'm gonna have a different midwife, and I'm gonna I'm gonna get a doula, and I'm gonna have a photographer, and I'm gonna do like it's just it's gonna be different. Um and that's it. Like I was like, it's gonna be different. I uh that's all. That's all I had to say about it.

Angela: 56:28

So have you photographed any births? Like, and what had you started your birth photography career before, like in between your first and your second, or did that come after?

Alannah: 56:37

No, that was after my third. Um, and actually, I um when I was pregnant with my first, I had actually considered a birth photographer and then didn't because I'm a fool. Um, but I just I had which this is like, oh, oh, young me, I just wanted it to be this intimate experience with just me and my husband, and that I wanted to put the funds toward like a newborn session after the fact, and then and then and how much regret do I have on that? Like, I can't, oh, I can't even, oh, so much regret because first of all, like you can't get that back, and I have almost no pictures at all of any of that, and and that really that also was something that was like so so heartbreaking for me. Um, and I also couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together. I didn't have it all, you know? And and I knew that if I had the photos, that would help. But I didn't have the photos, and so it just kind of is what it is. And so I hired a birth, I hired a birth photographer the the next time and I and we still did newborn photos after the fact too. So I was like, I did both because I was I was doing it different, I was for sure. Um and yeah, and did have a doula too, because I wanted to make sure that if my husband and I were in a position where we didn't feel like we could speak up for ourselves or, you know, because I know that when I'm in labor, like I'm not able, and I shouldn't have to when I'm in labor, be speaking up to advocate for myself in those moments, you know. So it's like I wanted to make sure that I had another person who could kind of like have eyes on the situation, knowing um my history. So um, so yeah, so we had all those things. I went into labor spontaneously, um uh well, what was I 40 weeks and two days on the 4th of July? It was like 7 a.m. Um I had had Braxton Hicks and stuff um during my pregnancy. But that first contraction, I was like, oh, I think that was real. It was like, it just I could tell it was different, and I was like, okay. But I was certainly not willing to be hanging out at the hospital for any extra time. I was not having that. I was like, I'm gonna be at home for as long as I possibly can. And so, so yeah, just kind of okay, like had my eye on it, things were kind of happening, like, okay, like just laboring at home because things kept going. It wasn't like often, like, no, it just kind of gradually kept going. Um, and I I called my my midwife and I let her know. And I was like, I don't know, like, you know, kind of uh, because I didn't want to get there too soon. I did not want to get there too soon. And we were closer. Yeah, so this, so um, so yes, we were at St. Mary's before it was all 45 minutes away from where we were living in Freeport. This time we were living in West Gardiner, going to Maine General in Augusta, so a lot closer. So, yeah, so I had seen or I had called my midwife and like let her know that stuff was going on, you know what. And it's kind of funny because after the fact, she was like, I almost didn't have you come because you sounded really fine on the phone. But again, I was positive for group B streps. We wanted to get antibiotics going, whatever. So she did have me go. And at that point, like it was pretty intense. I was having to move through them. They were really consistent, whatever. And I think we were at the hospital just over an hour before he was born. Like, so I was like, hell yeah. I was so glad. Um, my photographer missed it by like 30 seconds. I swear. She could hear, she was like, I heard you. She was like going down the hall as fast as she could. Um so but my doula was there. She actually made it to the hospital before we did. But yeah, so it was really uneventful. I had wanted to give birth at the water both times, actually. But for my second, the tub was filling up. I hadn't even made it off the bed from just like getting taken in, you know, whatever, like, oh, my clothes are on, whatever, this and that. And then, like, and I'm like working. They were really intense. Um, like breathing and I'm breathing and I'm breathing. My hands are going numb because I'm just like like breathing so much. And I hated how that felt. That was like I hated it. It was like so he be jeepy to me, where I almost hated that more than the contractions. I'm like, rub my hands, please. Um, but yeah, my water broke, which I had never felt before. So that was a whole new thing. So we had to like get my clothes off because they're drenched. And it was really, I mean, my midwife checked, like, I think it was after that. Maybe I don't remember, but I was at an eight and I literally cried. I was so like, thank you. Like, I was, oh, I was so glad. Like, I'm not at the hospital at a three again. Like, I'm at an eight, and I'm like cruising along, like it was good, really intense, because I think my labor started to finish it was like six and a half hours. So it was actually kind of a sweet spot. I feel like if it was, you know, some people have these like two-hour, like really crazy fast, really intense, and like that that might have not been my favorite, but like six and a half, I felt like I had it, I had it under control, you know. And then all of a sudden it was like, because remind just remind you, like, I had an epidural before. So, like getting to this point, I had never like fully felt what that felt like. Um, and and I just remember like all of a sudden, like the contractions were so strong. And then all of a sudden, I like I was kind of like sort of on my side a little bit, but just kind of like laying back. And I just remember going, oh, and just like shot up, like sat up, like overcome by this like push. And I never felt that before. So my body was like, we're doing the thing now, like all by itself, uh, just as it was designed to do. And my goodness, did she do it? It was pretty crazy, yeah. So, and it was like, I was just still like in out, in out, breathing, breathing, breathing, breathing, and like doing my best to just stay like loosey goosey on my whole bottom half, you know. And my husband was standing next to me at the bed, and I was just staring directly into his eyes. One, actually, just one eye, just looking into one of his eyes. And and he's like, You're doing so good, like you're doing great, like, you know, saying really sweet things to me. And I'm literally just like in the eye, like just staring at him, heavy breathing. And it got to the point where I was like, you know, moaning and groaning, like these deep, you know, like all of this, and and I joke that this boy pushed himself right out. Like it was like his head was out, and then all of his body, and I like reached down and I helped bring him up to my chest, and he cried and I cried, and like he was here. It was like, like, oh my god, like I I did, I did it, and I'm not traumatized. Like, oh my god, imagine. And um, yeah, it was honestly like the most unfortunate part about that whole thing was one, that the tub didn't fill up in time, so I didn't get to have him in the tub. Um, what position were you in? Were you on the bed? Yeah, I was on the bed. Um, things were so in there was like no way. I was not going anywhere. It was really intense. So yeah, I was like laid back on the bed, like not fully on my back. I wasn't fully on my side either. It was just sort of like an in-between, sort of a little bit to my left. Um, and he just jetted right the heck out. Um, and he was just so warm and soft and wet and just crying, and and it was the best. Like it was fine, everything was fine, and and no one was messing with me, and my midwife was talking to me. Like, she knew very clearly that I was like, you need to talk to me before you touch me. You cannot just like do things to me. Like, I need you to ask, imagine. Um, so I was, you know, and and I remember her actually being like, oh, she's doing it. She's doing it. Okay, like good. I'm so glad. Um, I did need I had I had torn away that like I don't know, like a blood vessel or something kind of hit hit that in a way where I was kind of like, it was kind of squirting blood, apparently. And so, like, you don't want that. Otherwise, she would have, she was like, I would have left you alone. She was like, I want to leave you be, but I kind of have to, you're kind, it's bleeding, so I kind of have to fix it. And I was like, okay, it's fine, you know, whatever, because I was fine. And it was, and she told me, and I had my baby, so it was fine, you know. So that to me wasn't like she was ruining it and it was whatever. She just like made sure that that like got fixed up, and then we like moved on, and my placenta came out. It was fine. I did not hemorrhage, there was none of that. Um, there was no chaos. I like just held him until I was ready to pass him to my husband. And then I was I was like so starving. Um, and I they brought pizza up to my room, and I was up out of bed eating pizza and my did my diaper, and my husband's sitting in the chair with our baby, and I was just so happy. And it was like 1:30 or 2:30 or something in the afternoon by that point, and the sun was shining. It was the 4th of July. Um, and it was just like, okay, this is it. I was so, I can't even tell you how relieved I was. It was like the weight of the possibility that something could go wrong was finally gone because we got through it and it was good. So yeah, thank goodness.

Angela: 1:07:25

Yay! Oh my goodness, that's awesome. Yeah, so how was your postpartum after that with him?

Alannah: 1:07:34

Um, it was okay. Um, I would well, my husband went back to work at like three weeks postpartum, and that is when I kind of took a turn for the worst. I don't have like this big village of people um to support. And so he when he went back to work, it was like me and a three-week-old baby and a two and a half year old, and oh my god, like I was so overwhelmed. And I remember having these feelings of being, I was like mad, where I was like, my birth was fine. I feel good about it this time. Like, what's my problem? Like, why, like, if I had this great birth, like why can that not be a direct correlation to how I feel postpartum, you know? So I was definitely dealing with like some postpartum anxiety, definitely some postpartum like rage stuff going on. Like, it's not in a super great place for a little while. And my second baby was also, while normal and common, was not one that I could really put down. So he wanted to be sleeping on me for like every single nap all day long. Plus, I have a two and a half year old, and like he needs things and whatever. And so it was like, I was just like, oh, like he was kind of fussy and he wanted to always be in the carrier, but I probably needed to be bouncing on the yoga ball to keep him happy and then oh, whatever. And it was so it was just like I felt very overwhelmed and really overstimulated and touched out and frustrated and like guilty, like just all the things. So at first I was okay, and then I got a little uh, and then I don't know, I would say, I would say a few months postpartum, I kind of started to like okay, okay, maybe this is fine. But um, oh, actually, sick at my six-week visit, I did not bring my baby with me. I was gonna, and then I was like, you know what? No, because I was like, I I'm not doing very well. So it was actually maybe a little bit before my husband went back to work. Now that I'm like remembering all of this, so I had a feeling that they were gonna want to put me on medication because I knew that I was not feeling really good. And so when I went in there, you know, like they make you fill out the the questionnaire or whatever, and I filled it out. And the midwife, it was not the midwife who was there when I gave birth, it was actually I had met her before a couple of times during um my pregnancy, but and she was like my second favorite, so I was actually like, oh, okay, good. But like she like reads my questionnaire and she was like, Girl, you're not doing too good, huh? And I was like, No, no, I'm not. Um, and so we kind of talked about that a little bit. Um, and she suggested that I start on uh surtraline and maybe uh therapy. So I started surrileing. I kind of think maybe it was in my head a little bit, just like placebo kind of vibe, because like within like three days, I was like, oh wow, I'm not crying every single day. Okay, that's good. But like looking back, I'm like, oh, I was just like undernourished, under-supported, exhausted. And I think that's really what was going on. Not necessarily that I needed medication. I went to therapy a couple of times, and then it just kind of, you know, I just sort of the the dark, the darkness sort of was a little less, and I just kind of kept trucking, and things sort of, you know, they as you do it, they get a little easier, a little less overwhelming. Your baby learns new things, and they're not necessarily like attached to you all the time, and so like I felt like giving these little breaks of being able to just like okay for a minute, and yeah, so postpartum for me is not always the most uh the most simple thing, that's for sure. So yeah, yeah, so really good birth and then tricky postpartum, yeah.

Angela: 1:11:51

So yeah, postpartum is hard to navigate. Sometimes it can be really deep waters, you know.

Alannah: 1:11:59

Yeah, that's how it felt for sure.

Angela: 1:12:02

Yeah, yeah. So now how did you find out you were pregnant for the third time? And what were your thoughts on choosing your care the third time around?

Alannah: 1:12:13

Yeah, so um third time, I just like I had a feeling that I was gonna have a positive test. Like, first go, and then I just like had this feeling. I was like, all right, like I think it's gonna be positive. And we took a test when my husband was at work. I was like, that's kind of my MO, I guess. Um and and it showed right up. And I couldn't I called him at work and I was like, dude, like, oh my god, it's we're we're gonna have a bait. Like I just called him and I just told him, and I was like, sorry, I kind of wish I didn't do it like that. Cause like I couldn't, we couldn't hug each other, or you know what I mean? But I just like had to tell him right then. So so that was kind of that. And yeah, and that was so that was in 2020. So that was that was a little tricky.

Angela: 1:13:09

What month in 2020 did you find out you were pregnant?

Alannah: 1:13:12

March. Oh, like the month, literally, like I mean, he was conceived like a couple, or maybe I didn't find out in March, but I don't know. Well, I'm like, I can't even remember if it was just that like he was conceived or if it was that I found out, but it was like within a couple of weeks of like the two-week shutdown. And then it was like, oh, okay. So that was kind of freaky because that obviously everything like just flips right upside down. And and because my birth last time was like really straightforward, it all worked out, I felt good about it. I didn't want to mess with the stuff. I didn't want to mess with it. So I went back to my midwife. I saw her again, and we and I went back to Maine General and I had the same photographer who's gonna come back, and I did not, I didn't have a dual come back because I actually was just feeling good. And because I was gonna see the same midwife and like she knew my history and all that, I was like, you know, I kind of feel like it's gonna be okay. Um and obviously, like with it being 2020, it was kind of like it was fine, but it was also weird. It was just very weird, obviously pretty isolated because weren't we sort of all, I guess. I don't know.

Angela: 1:14:40

Um were your husband allowed was your husband allowed to go to the appointments with you or with yes, yep.

Alannah: 1:14:47

So he went with me. Um and yeah, he's he's the best. Like he out of all of my pregnancies, I think maybe hasn't like didn't go to like three appointments, like total. So he's shout out, I love you, thank you. Um so yeah, so he was always there, he always came. And yeah, like masked, masked up, went in, did the thing. Baby was good, I was good. I've my pregnancies have always been very like just nothing major going on, like no complications, like other than me not feeling well, um, just did not feel well for sure. That's pretty much it.

Angela: 1:15:32

Are you PBS positive for this pregnancy too?

Alannah: 1:15:35

Yep. And actually, with my second, because I was only at the hospital for like an hour and a half before he was born, like I didn't get all the things, you know, and then he was born really quickly. So I was kind of like, well, it's fine, everything's fine. Um, but yeah, so I was positive again for my third. Um, and so, but I was so I was like mentally sort of in a weird place. Like obviously the world was weird, um, and just sort of like uncertainties around just everything. And I was really uncomfortable. Um, like just my body was I was so sore all the time. I felt like I just couldn't keep up with with my boys and my life, and not that I'm like doing all these things, but it was like just the most simple things. I was just like so achy, so uncomfortable. Um, even seeing a chiropractor like weekly, I was still like suffering so bad. Um but but yeah, so I ended up um I was like 39. It was my 39 week appointment. I think I was like 39 and five. And and I didn't have any checks, no exams at all with my second pregnancy because I was like, not even gonna go there. Nope. Just no. And I wasn't going to with my third either. But then I was just like, you know, I don't know. I kind of want to know. I kind of feel I like I feel fine about it. Like it is what it is. Like, I know whatever. It just was one of those things where I just didn't, I was just sort of eh, like I didn't.

Angela: 1:17:20

It's like there's no right or wrong for these things, but it's like as long as you're not coerced into doing things or not doing things, right? Right, right.

Alannah: 1:17:28

And I mean, like she, I don't even know if she brought it up or if I I don't even know. Like it was just not not a thing, it was no big deal. Like I knew that she didn't care, whatever I wanted to do. Um, and I knew that there wasn't like any specific reason other than like I just kind of wanted to know. I don't know. So um, but I was at three centimeters at that point, and I was like, oh, oh, that's cool. Okay, good. You know, like that's that's three that I don't even have to work through. All right. Um, because I still like I wanted to be unmedicated, I wanted to spend as little time at the hospital as possible. Like the same deal. Like I didn't, I was like, uh nope, like I'm good. I'm just gonna like pop in, have my baby, and leave. Bye. So um, so yeah, but I actually ended up, I ended up opting for a membrane sweep. I brought it up, she didn't say anything about it, but I was like, hey, I and I knew more about them at that point. So I was like, I know that this might not do anything. I know that like if my body's ready to go into labor, then maybe something will happen. If it's not, then it won't. And like it could kind of mess with whatever, whatever. Like I knew the things that time, and I was like, you know, I kind of wanted to see what'll happen. I was just very, I was just very done. I just felt very done. I was like mentally like exhausted, and you know, I don't know. 2020 was just a time, it was just a time for everybody. I don't know. So yeah, it was a lot. And so yeah, so we did that. I also had a chiropractor appointment that day, too. So that probably was just like a perfect combination of the things. And I ended up having contractions overnight. I went to bed, ignored them. Um, and it was probably like 3 a.m. or something, you know, like laying in bed, like texting with my midwife, and I'm like, um, because she knew that I didn't want to get there too soon. So we're trying to like, oh, you know, like what do you? So she was like, go like take a shower, see if they calm down, just chill. So it's like, you know, like three in the morning or something. I'm taking like a 45 minute shower, like everyone else is asleep. But they didn't calm down at all. They just kept going. So I had I like woke my husband up, whatever. And so it was like, I don't know, five ish in the morning. I I drove my Damn self to the hospital. I was like, no, I'm good. I could do it. So I drove. And yeah, and I got, I did um opt for a check when we got there. I was like out of five. So I was like, oh, okay, maybe jump the gun. But but I feel fine. Like my midwife was just like in the room, just kind of doing some paperwork and just like, you're doing good, you know, whatever. Just kind of let me do my business. And um, I was able to get in the tub, which felt awesome. I'm like, finally. So I finally got to be in the tub. I was so glad. But you know, like I had to, I was in a mask for a lot of it, which kind of pissed me off. Sorry. To make women labor with masks on.

Angela: 1:20:45

That was insane.

Alannah: 1:20:46

Yeah, it was really insane. I eventually was like, I no, like, I can't do this. This is crazy. I took it off. But also, I'm like, you they wanted to do a COVID test while I'm laboring. So it's and I had never had a COVID test before. I'd never had COVID. I'd never had symptoms of COVID, nothing. But of course, there's stuff in the thing up, up. I didn't know that it was gonna be both of my nostrils. It was both of my nostrils. I was very upset. It felt terrible. And we didn't even have the results back at all until like after the baby was born. I was like, wow, thanks guys. Appreciate you so much for that. Thank you. Um, so that was stupid and I hated it. And looking back, I should have just been like, go away. Um, but my answer is no.

Angela: 1:21:31

No is a full sentence.

Alannah: 1:21:33

No means no. Stay away from my nostrils, please. But yeah, so I was just rocking and rolling in the tub. I stayed in the tub. I was in there for eternity. I was a literal prune, I'm sure. But yeah, things were getting intense, things were picking up. My husband was just right there on the side of the tub. Like my photographer, she was there. She made it. There was no worry about that. And yeah, and then all of a sudden, you know, like, well, my midwife was like, because you know, COVID rules apparently can't give birth in the water because of COVID. Which I was like, I literally don't understand what that even means. Which really was frustrating to me because I wanted a water birth. I wanted one. And so she clearly was like, You're getting to the end of this. She didn't say that, but like clearly she was picking it up because she was like, So maybe on the after the next one, maybe we could try to like work our way out of the tub, you know. And I was like, you know, I don't know. I just kind of was doing doing my thing. Like, I don't know. Like when you're that, I was very, very close. So that I'm like, I'm not going and this is crazy. Um, but I am a good patient, and I'm very compliant, I guess, when I'm in labor and I'm able to sort of be like, this is stupid, I'm not doing that. And I knew that about myself too. So I do have some sort of like I do feel bummed about that, that aspect of things. So I ended up, I stood up and then I pushed my baby out. Standing in the tub, filled with water, I and like I had like nothing left to give at that point. I was working hard, you know, like labor, hello. And so standing up, that was like a whole, I hadn't had the really the whole point of being in the water was to just like be. And then I'm having to like hold myself up. And I literally like called out to her, her name's Angela, actually. And I was like, Angela, help. Like I called because I was like, I need to, I can't, you know, and so my husband like jumped into the tub, like up under my arm with his arm. Like I have one arm on the wall, like my other arm is like up over his neck, and he's like holding me. And I just pushed him right out. And he he came out. I swear to God, it was like, I don't even, it was like a couple pushes. Like he came out, he didn't like, and I remember her too. She like I pushed, and I'm sure it was like just his head, and then and then she's like, Alana, stand up. Like she very friendly was like, get stand up. And I'm like, uh, you know, like I can't. Um, but it's because I was so close to the water. Like, obviously, once his head is out, you don't want that going in the water then. So she's like, stand up. And after the fact, she was like, I'm sorry I yelled at you. He was just really close. And I was like, uh, I didn't really take it as you yelling at me in the moment, but thank you. Um, so of course, like my husband is like, arm under me, like like just holding me up, and I push him out, he comes out up to my chest, and I just sit right back down in the tub. And I'm like, Do you know how stupid that is? I'm like laboring in the tub, but I can't give birth in it. So I stand up and push him out while I'm standing in the tub, and then I just sit right back down in the water.

Angela: 1:24:53

Like, okay, guys. Hopefully, the person in the room after you didn't like get COVID or something because of that, right?

Alannah: 1:24:58

Like, I know. Oh, so contagious. I don't know. So, so yeah, but and like he was fine. He had like he definitely sounded junky. He was not, he didn't have much time to like have all the crap come out of his face. So he was like, huh, you know, junky gurgly a little bit, but breathing, pinking up, attached to his umbilical cord still, like I knew he was fine. And I remember my midwife a couple of times being like, he's just a little stunned, he came out really quick, he's just a little stunned. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like I wasn't worried. Um, but apparently the nurse was worried because she pushed the button. And you know, when you push the button, it's like all hell breaks loose and people come rushing in. My midwife told me after the fact that she used to work in like home birth somehow. And she was like, I was really surprised that she pushed that button. I didn't even, I don't know why she did that. And I'm like, ha, great, because she did. And so then all of a sudden I'm sitting in the tub. I have my baby, he's a little gurgly, he's whatever, but like I know he's okay, everything's fine. But then, like, the pediatrician's right there, and she's checking on him, and then all these other people are in there and they're checking on him, whatever, and it's like this whole thing. And so, like, the cord gets cut while I'm still in the tub, and they want to like go bring him to the warmer to check on him, and whatever, and like the whole, like in my head, and that's like I hate this so much. Like, in my head, I'm like, go away, like he's fine, he's fine, I'm fine. Everything is just like give him a few minutes. Like, what you know? I was like, I could like feel like this is not a big deal. Like, I knew he was good, you know. But it's like in that moment I had just labored in birth, like I was not, I don't know, it was like I didn't have, I didn't have the ability to get it out of my head and like through my mouth to say it, you know, which really sucks because I really wish that I had to be like, stop for a minute, like go away for a minute, like just chill. But like in the moment, it was like there was no way that I could be like, hold on. Like I couldn't, it was just like my baby, like, oh my God, like holy crap, he just came out of my body, like whoa, it was like that, those immediate right after birth moments where like, you know, maybe for some people they're more able to do that, they're more grounded, they're more whatever. But I'm like, I'm like not even on earth yet. Like, oh my god, you know? But like I also felt like I was I was irritated, but I also felt like okay, where I was like, I don't even know how much time had passed. It wasn't instant, um, but it was it was pretty soon after he was after he was born. So that was kind of a bummer, but I was like, okay, like I felt okay. I wasn't I wasn't like freaking out about it, like like how I had with my first. Like I was like more like, okay, like I like I knew that he was fine and I was fine, it was fine. I was irritated, and I was kind of like like I remember my midwife being like he's he's just stunned, they just want to kind of check, like whatever. And I think she was frustrated with the situation, but I'm also like, then why couldn't you have just said go?

Angela: 1:28:21

I was the one that was in there in the room the whole time, exactly. Like you were having that in that space where you can't really verbalize the thoughts, and it's like, yeah.

Alannah: 1:28:30

Yeah, and and and she did say, like I remember her saying out loud, his head was not under the water. She was like firm on that, you know. Because of course, that was probably maybe what the nurse had thought, or something was like, oh, this baby like went under the water after his, you know, what, but that didn't happen. And so, like, my midwife was very much like, he was born quickly, he was not under the water, he was not born in the water, like, no, like whatever. But so, so yeah, so I just kind of like schlepped out of the tub into the bed, got dried off and stuff. Like my husband, I could see him, like, poor guy, he was soaking wet from you know, jumping in the tub to hold me up. And so he had taken his pants. I was standing over there in his box. There's like a little cutie. I'm like, oh my god. Um, and like placenta came out again, no problem, no hemorrhaging, none of that. And I remember just like, I literally was like, Can I have my baby back now? Like, I literally said it like that. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, give him back. He's not it. Um, so he came back and we hung out and snuggled and you know, all of that good stuff, and it was fine. I just remember feeling very like annoyed and wishing that I had the ability to verbalize in those moments, but also like because I knew that about myself too, going into my third birth. I just like knew that that was not really something that I was able to do, probably. It hadn't really been something I could do very well previously. So I was like, okay, so that might just kind of be how I roll. And that's okay. I know this about me, and that's good to know. But it was just, you know, all of a sudden when there's that many people in the room, and like, even though I knew like in my body that there wasn't something wrong, it was still just like uh okay, whatever, I don't know. Like, I couldn't couldn't tell everybody to just not stop for a minute. So I did have some frustrations a little bit, like even toward myself, where I was like, oh, if you could have just said wait or something, you know, but unfortunately that's just not how it happened for me.

Angela: 1:30:40

So it's really hard to fight all of that energy that comes rushing into the room when someone pushes the button.

Alannah: 1:30:46

Right, right. Because it's a lot, it's a lot, you know, and especially like I'm just like sitting here in the tub, and all of a sudden, like all in front of me is like, whoa, all these people. It it's not just, you know, the people like my midwife, nurse, husband, photographer who had been in there the whole time. It's all of a sudden like, oh, I don't know you, and I don't know you, and I don't know you, and you wanna do things, and I'm not ready for that. I don't know what's going on, you know. So that part kind of was a bummer. I do feel, feel, you know, when I think back to that birth story, I feel bummed about that. Um and but overall, I don't feel like like that one isn't, you know, it's it doesn't have like that heavy, traumatic sort of feeling. Um, like my first. It doesn't feel as like woo-hoo as my second, but not far behind. So like I felt okay. Um, I felt, you know, I appreciated like I I still noticed that my midwife would like talk to me about like what but before touching me, you know, like that type of thing. Like she was like actually communicating with me and things like that, which I was like, okay, good, we're still doing that, good, you know. Yeah, and overall it was like relatively, relatively simple in that way. So yeah. And then postpartum was pretty hard again.

Angela: 1:32:11

Yeah. How was your postpartum with your third?

Alannah: 1:32:14

Yeah, it was like, I mean, so between my second and third, they're like 17 months apart. So looking back, I'm like, oh, you were like a literal baby still. Okay. So, like planned, because we were like, well, we're not sleeping, so we might as well just go for it, whatever. Um, and then we're like, oh God, okay, this is fine. This is fine. Um, it was awesome, and like they're so sweet, and like people mistake them for twins all the time, which is really funny because now we actually have twins. But but yeah, it was hard. Again, like really overwhelmed. I had cut back on my search release during my pregnancy. I was on like the tiniest little dose just to kind of like keep it there. And then we upped it, um, like right postpartum. Not to like a super high dose. I was never on a really high dose, uh, but just to kind of like help keep keep things at bay. And honestly, like I ended up, I don't even, I don't even remember um how old he was at that point. Um, but it was in within the first year postpartum, I think. I ended up being like, I don't think this is doing anything. Like, I literally don't think this is doing anything. And I'm like, this is terrible, terrible. Don't anybody ever do this. I just stopped taking it. Very bad, don't ever do that. It felt awful. Um, not awful like mentally, but it was like withdrawal type awful, or like I felt like just uneasy, like in my stomach, like sort of nauseous, sort of that. Like it was like, I don't know, it was just like not, it was not good for about a week, and then I was fine. And I literally felt the same. I'm like, cool, okay, great. So I've just been taking that for nothing. And again, looking back, I think undernourished, under-supported, um, I mean isolated, 2020, you know, and yeah, just completely exhausted. And I mean, that takes a toll. And it just takes the toll for sure. So yeah, and I think for me personally, like obviously lack of sleep affects everybody differently in different ways, whatever. And for me, super ramps up anxiety and like just really just exacerbates everything in a way where like it seems like maybe I need to be, could could benefit from medication when really like I just needed some sleep and some food and some water and maybe less coffee, but I'm trying to survive, so you know, it's kind of a lot.

Angela: 1:34:49

So yeah, finding that balance, right?

Alannah: 1:34:51

Right, right. So not the most simple postpartum ever, but at least like felt okay about about like my birth, generally speaking. Like I had a couple things, obviously, where I was like, uh, okay, that definitely could have gone differently. But I wasn't heartbroken and I wasn't like completely traumatized. So, you know, so that at least was good.

Angela: 1:35:18

Before you go, I just want to remind you, I have a ton of resources for pregnancy and birth. If you're pregnant, whether you're a first-time mom or if this is your fifth baby, I want you to check out the show notes because I have some free trainings and free downloads that you can sign up for, as well as the link to access my labor of blows, a comprehensive, self-paced online outward education course. Updated this course is typically for moms who don't want to be told what to do, regardless of where your birthday or who your birthday is. And I'd honestly would love to teach you everything that I know so that you can prepare for an autonomous birth experience and prepare to step into your role as the leader of your birth journey. So with this show notes, check out all of those links, and if you ever have any questions, feel free to DM me at mymainbirth over on Instagram.